As teachers we view parent conferences with great ambivalence. On the one hand we have the opportunity to cooperate with our students’ parents – that could turn the pupil’s school year around. And, at the same time we are much more used to communicating with students than adults and may find ourselves in a defensive posture.
Four Stages
The four stages of a Difficult Parent Conference, with a commentary on the non-verbals follows. It is essential to make the grade book or a paper the source of the problem. This preserves the relationship with the parent.
Parent Stage
Recommended Teacher
Responses
1. Venting * While the parent vents maintain eye contact. Surprisingly, an overtly angry parent shifts easier than a covertly angry one. The parent probably has rehearsed a dozen times what they want to say. The parent’s ability to listen is like a full message machine. The parent cannot hear until they clear the previous rehearsed recordings by venting.
2. Shifting Use your hands and eyes and direct the parent to a grade book or paper. Suggested wording, “Let’s see what the grade book indicates.”
3. Self Discovering The most important phase of the conference is when the parent discovers the facts. Most likely the parent will be shocked and will look up at the teacher – continue to look at the grade book. As the teacher listens to the parent’s discovery the teacher makes empathetic sounds and nods their head.
4. Resolving The teacher returns to eye contact when the parent is ready for solutions. Sometimes the teacher looks at the parent and softly says, “What we can do about (switch and look at the grade book and raise your voice) THAT is…”
Sometimes it takes more than one conference to process through the stages. The parent may not have fond memories of their own school experiences. Consequently, inadequate feelings are stimulated. When the parent leaves the classroom they often relax. While walking the parent to the parking lot, a more neutral environment, the parent may shift – then a more meaningful conference occurs.
*The success of the conference depends on more than the teacher. Sometimes parents don’t come with a win-win attitude. We can be successful with a parent who communicates with a win-lose attitude. There will be occasions where the parent hurts so much that they operate with a lose-lose (e.g., “I am hurting so much I want others to suffer also!”). As professionals we have every right to leave a conference when treated less than humanely. We have every right to not let people express unwarranted anger at us. A simple, “It sounds like it would be appropriate to have (mention position of the person you plan to ask to attend; e.g., principal, another teacher, union representative) present.” At the same time, we have the option of allowing someone to vent.
A scene from the book Silence of the Lambs (sorry, it didn’t appear in the movie) offers such an example. The patient, hard working FBI Director waits at the curb side to be picked up by his driver. That morning the driver learned the Director’s chronically ill wife passed away during the night. As a way of giving the Director love, the driver intentionally waits around the block so that when the driver picks him up late, the Director can explode at the driver – thus venting his long held frustrations.
Parent Conferences – the Basics
1. Take care of yourself.
- Never be alone in the building for parent conferences.
- Prepare well, ducks in a row, with written documentation of issues.
- Breathe well. Take several deep breaths before the conference. During the conference, stop and take two deep breaths any time things get heated.
2. Show that you care about them and their child.
It’s also important that they know you understand how much they care about their child. You all want what is best for the student.
Welcome them with friendly eye contact, a smile, and a handshake if appropriate.
Gently invite them (with a gesture, not words) to sit down.
If they are upset, listen quietly to their full story without interrupting. As they talk, slowly nod your head and think about what they are saying so they GET it that you are really interested in what they are saying.
3. Share the facts and do so in written form with everybody looking at the paper.
Sit at 90°, with you being at the short end of a rectangle table or side by side at a round table. Place the paper(s) in front to them so they can see the information better. Have duplicate copies, if needed.
While looking at the paper, and using very few words, explain the volatile information in a calm and business-like tone of voice.
Give them time to think about it, while you SILENTLY keep looking at the paper. If the information is new or unsettling, they may need calm time to process.
Answer their questions without blaming. Do not say, “Your child did this.” Instead, say something more neutral and impersonal such as, “This is what happened on this date.” Continue to speak in a calm, business-like voice.
4. Person-to-person, in a “we’re-in-this- together” style, consider solutions.
An emotional parent, who has calmed down, is ready to be cooperative. Set the paper(s) with the volatile information off to the side. Shift your posture so you are looking at them, and in a friendly voice talk about best ways to help the child.
Discuss the possible solutions, write down what is agreed to and when to check back. Use a different piece of paper and a different location on the table from the volatile paper(s). Keep the solution paper(s) separate from the problem issues(s) paper(s).
Thank them sincerely for coming to the conference and walk them to the door.
5. If this is not enough, you may be dealing with “a big cat.”
a. For instance, if they are yelling at you, quietly and slowly nod your head while you keep looking at the paper. If their language becomes abusive, calmly and firmly stop the conference by standing up and slowly walking to the door. Do this while looking down. Say something like, “We need to have someone else present.”
b. If issues can’t be resolved, reschedule the conference and arrange for the principal or other
resources to be there at the next meeting.
c. To prepare for this, see Avoiding a Cat Fight, which will be in Issue 24