Reframing Loneliness and Empowering Healthy Friendships
Not only do teachers influence the way their students interact with, feel and learn about the world, but you also play a key role in students’ ability to develop and foster meaningful, trusting relationships.
As we are social creatures who need community to feel safe and valued, if our relationships are suffering, the ripple effect inevitably trails into other areas of life. Whether it be in the classroom or out on the field, teachers hold the advantageous position of being able to witness where some students may be disconnected from their peers or unable to navigate their relationships effectively. And, though you’re not there to fix or interfere with friendship dramas, being able to truly see your students on a human level and help them reframe their experiences will benefit everyone in the long run.
First of all, let’s address how we have all been conditioned to build friendships. Our default mode, as children, is bringing ourselves to the room as we are. Then, over time we are slowly told and shown that we need to behave in a way that keeps everyone in the room comfortable. To monitor our deep-felt emotions so that we don’t express ourselves in a way that might be seen as ‘too much.’ To make sure we all agree and get on somehow — which will always leave some children feeling the need to dim their light and bottle things up. All of these things enable our subconscious mind to form beliefs about how we are supposed to ‘be’ in order to survive in social situations — beliefs that stay with us into adulthood, even though our social situations evolve.
In school, if you think about it, even though many friendships do have beautiful and solid qualities, they also have an underlying and unspoken fear of loss, being left out or getting bullied — but young people aren’t consciously aware of these fears and aren’t taught how to appreciate being alone when they grow apart from friends or face challenges that require them to have some temporary space.
They generally don’t know how to use alone time as an opportunity to reflect on their growth, needs, desires and emotions or honour themselves with self-respect. Quite the contrary. They are socially conditioned to believe that if they are alone, it means there is something inadequate or undeserving about them. Their desire to not experience those feelings of loneliness, ‘otherness’ and so on, often outweighs their ability to take the time they need to understand who they truly are and who they actually want around them.
Additionally, young people often take a lot of things personally, and as their brains are still developing, they are often unable to understand the fact that everything everyone else says and does ‘towards them’ is actually a projection and reflection of what is happening internally for the other person.
Together, these mindsets and ways of responding automatically set young people up for a very hard time when faced with obstacles — and that’s why it’s important that the adults in their life are able to recognise the gaps and compassionately encourage a change.
Here are some ways that you can address relationship-based challenges you see popping up in the classroom, or
generally within school. Often, conflict can be addressed with the responses numbered below. I have provided suggestions of alternative ways of responding next to each phrase (which you can put into your own words).
1. Just deal with it between yourselves please.
Try This: I appreciate that you may not have clarity around how to deal with this situation right now. It would be great if you guys could create some space and just sit with how you are feeling in response to what is happening around you right now. When you feel a bit clearer, see if you can share your points with each other. Know that it’s okay to not know what to do yet.
2. Just apologise and move on.
Try This: See if you can identify where there may have been some misunderstanding or lack of boundaries between you, and then see where both of you may have crossed wires because of this. If possible, acknowledge where you may have overstepped the lines that were there, and apologise
accordingly. Moving forward, maybe come up with some clearer guidelines so that you can be more conscious in your relationship.
3. Just sit somewhere else.
Try This: I know that you need some space right now and you are able to move if you want. However, whilst I will talk to the other person about what’s going on, I’d like you to understand that sometimes we might be around people who trigger feelings in us that make us want to argue or speak up, and that’s okay. Instead of bottling those feelings up, take a moment to process what is coming up for you, and let
yourself experience the emotions. You may find the words to express what you feel and need, and I’m here if you need some help doing that.
4. See where they’re coming from.
Try This: Be okay with the fact that we may never fully understand where someone else is coming from, because we haven’t had their life experience that has led them to having these beliefs or ways. Simply acknowledging our differences and not taking anything personally is enough. You may resonate more with their side later on when you’ve both processed this situation.
5. Walk Away.
Try This: Take a moment to acknowledge that you are an amazing, unique individual, and that walking away is not a weakness or defeat. If you are finding it too hard to be around someone, it’s not because there is anything wrong with you, it’s because you need some time and space to process what’s happening. So, indeed move yourself away from the situation and/or the person, but do so with the intention of coming back to that feeling of love for yourself and them, rather than running away from something terrible and needing to bottle up all of your hurt.
We need to help our young people see change, being alone sometimes and general clashes or disconnection as necessary, beautiful parts of their own becoming. Take time to reflect on how you can make subtle changes to help your students feel more empowered in their relationships … and 
watch how it affects the rest of their school life!