Can you hear it?
“You idiot, Sally!”
This was my most common self-talk phrase when I made mistakes. I would even say it out aloud! At one level, it was a throw-away line but it was, until I learnt better, a message to myself that became a strongly ingrained, destructive practice. The more I said it, the more it became part of me.
Then one day, just after I had berated myself aloud for a mistake, a dear friend said to me, “If I made that mistake would you say to me, “You idiot?” “Of course not!” I replied, somewhat upset that she’d think I’d view her as such. She went on, “I’d never say that to you, but I notice you say it a lot when you make a mistake, even ridiculous tiny mistakes. I’d prefer it if you didn’t speak to my friend like that.” What an amazing gift to receive.
Types of Negative Thinking
All or Nothing: These thinkers are absolute in all their thinking, using words such as always, never, no one,every one, everything and every time. “I’ll never be able to have a decent feedback conversation.” “I’m never going to delegate successfully.” “No one at work cares about me.” When you read these statements, you can easily see that they are not true, and do nothing for happiness. Sure, some people might not like us but it’s not true that no one cares.
One, even a few, failed attempts at delegating doesn’t mean it won’t ever work. With structure, calm and planning, feedback conversations can be easier, less stressful and challenging.
Glass is (Half) Empty:
Thinkers with this pessimistic outlook will always seek the bad in a situation, which will result in only finding simply that – the bad. It’s hard to have strong, positive self-leadership when you’ve got negative self-talk nattering away in your mind. Self-talk is what you say to yourself, your inner dialogue, and it is influenced by your subconscious mind. Your self-talk reveals your thoughts and beliefs and can be positive or negative. Research by psychologists from Queen’s University in Canada have deduced that we have around 6,200 thoughts in a single day.
Our brains produce the chemicals dopamine and cortisol. So many common incidents that occur throughout the day trigger cortisol to warn us and protect us. This triggers stress and negative thoughts, and as such, we tend to have more negative thoughts than positive thoughts each day. On the other hand, dopamine is released when positive things happen, thus creating positive thoughts. The impact of self-talk on self-leadership will show up in openness to creativity, challenges and feedback. Negative self-talk will potentially show up as stressed, lacking resilience and procrastination, while more positive or constructive self-talk will show up as more emotionally intelligent, thoughtful, insightful, more capable (or less flappable) during crisis, uncertainty and change.
If you go hunting for problems in the team, you’ll find them. While resolving problems is good, consistently being on the lookout and pointing out the bad is not great. It makes it difficult for people to want to spend time with you and may also motivate people to avoid sharing anything with you.
They will keep you outside the loop, which doesn’t serve you when you’re trying to manage and lead them. The truth is, there’s a lot of good all around us all. Even with Covid and 2020 being such a strained and stressful year, there were silver linings at each turn along the way.
More Drama Than a Soap Opera:
Have you been a thinker that creates a catastrophe out of a situation, especially something that may never happen? This undoubtedly causes unnecessary stress.
“We’ll probably all get laid off.”
“We’ll never go back to the office safely.”
Ask yourself, “How true is this and how likely is it that this is going to happen?” Of course, we can’t predict the future but there are very, very few worst case scenarios that actually happen.
Imposter:
This line of thinking lends you to believe one day, you will be caught out as being not the right person for the job you’re in. “Why did they promote me? Surely they made a mistake.” Focus on your strengths and what those strengths contribute to your individual work as well as to the team. Creating a ‘brag book’ of your accomplishments (positive emails, cards, notes, awards, etc.) often stops the imposter thinking to creep in. You will have a difficult time reviewing that and still thinking that your value and contribution isn’t needed or important. Use external validation to strengthen your internal validation!
Mind Reading:
Thinking that others think poorly of you is negative mind reading. If you’re like me, you’re not psychic and as such, we can’t read minds. Mind reading in this context is simply making up stories. Do you have an argument in your head with a colleague before you know you have to meet with them? Do you run through a challenging, awful conversation with an employee, in your head, and then avoid that employee all the next day? Asking and having open and respectful dialogue is how you get
the truth and develop quality relationships, not by creating false realities in your own mind.
Sentenced, Guilty!:
Do you define yourself by listing out all that you’ve failed, missed or fudged? Giving yourself a guilt trip and defining yourself by all that’s not gone to plan results in trying less, hesitating and feeling as though you don’t deserve happiness. This can directly lead you to not speak up in important meetings or missing opportunities that you are well suited for. Do you identify with any of these? It’s worth remembering the words of famous personal development thinker and speaker Zig Ziglar, “You are the most influential person you will talk to all day.”
Let’s Turn the Negative Self-Talk Around
Start being more present to your thoughts and how you talk to yourself. Ask a trusted friend or colleague to let you know when they hear your self-talk aloud.
Have them note if it is positive or destructive. Catching yourself in negative self-talk may take time and practice as it is likely a well- ingrained habit. Keep at it. Beginning a new habit often takes quite a bit of time, but in the end, it is well worth the effort! Once you catch yourself, forgive yourself for the negative self-talk.
Or at least don’t give yourself a hard time for it! Once you identify it, change it into a positive thought instead. As stated in a Psychology Today article, “Everyone engages in self-talk. But much depends on the way we do it.” Ethan Kross, a psychologist, has his findings shared within the article: “In a series of groundbreaking experiments, Kross has found that how people conduct their inner monologues has an enormous effect on their success in life. Talk to yourself with the pronoun I, for instance, and you’re likely to fluster and perform poorly in stressful circumstances. Address yourself by your name and your chances of acing a host of tasks,
from speech making to self-advocacy, suddenly soar.” So these days, it’s, “Nice catch Sally! You caught it so you can fix it.”