Use the 4 love languages to your advantage
You may be surprised to learn ‘harmonious discipline’ isn’t about children howling in unison as they are yelled at. Jokes aside, there is a secret to harmonising your classroom so the underlying reasons for misbehaviour, and therefore the need to discipline, reduce dramatically. It’s a secret that some teachers enact instinctively, and you can sense it in and around their classrooms. The students are calmer, the room hums with productive activity, and the teacher is rarely in need of a ‘mental health day’. On playground duty children from other classes and previous years seem to follow her around.
The secret is that each of us (child or adult) has our own love language, our preferred way of giving and receiving love. When we feel loved with our own language we also generally feel understood, validated and safe. Conversely, someone could be showering you with love in her language, but it is meaningless to you. You don’t feel loved just because someone tells you so if you’re Visual or Kinaesthetic, you’ll need other ‘proof’ in your love language.
There are four broad main languages: Visual, Auditory, Kinaesthetic and Auditory Digital. Within each there are many personal variations and combinations. Those labels are also used for learning styles, but may not necessarily directly correlate. For example a Visual learner may have a Kinaesthetic love language.
Visual: This language includes eye contact, visual contact, smiles, signals of approval, gifts, handmade gifts, found gifts (flower, shell), prizes, written & video messages, their name in print, work displayed, photos, going out to new or favourite places, acts of service, items of beauty or uniqueness, artwork, fresh flowers, tastefully presented meals, decorated/tidied/cleaned rooms, sight gags and slap-stick humour.
Auditory: hearing own name, loving tone, nicknames, talking at length about anything and everything, verbal agreement and praise, significant songs, magic words e.g. “I love you. I’m sorry. Thank you. Please”, laughter, story & joke telling, poetry, making or listening to music, singing, a patient and sympathetic ear.
Kinaesthetic: positive physical contact including hugs, kisses, shoulder/head pat, handholding, hair stroking/brushing, wrestling, friendly punches, tickling, massage, contact sport, tactile gifts & objects e.g. smooth stone, piece of textured bark, dancing, tactile clothing – particularly soft, silky, furry, gifts of experiences, interacting with animals, shared art & craft, gardening, swimming, sand and water play.
Auditory Digital: these need to think about whether they feel loved or not, so give them the silence needed to process information, questions and experiences. Your patience is well rewarded.
Harmonious discipline works on two levels. Firstly, identifying and communicating with individuals in their own love language. This may seem an over-whelming task at first, but the more you apply this, the quicker your class settles and your job becomes easier. Choose 2 or 3 children a day, starting with the ‘difficult’ ones. In no time you’ll have your class worked out.
Secondly, discipline is rarely needed when children are feeling loved, understood, validated and safe. Remember to discipline in the child’s love language too, but gently. A Visual child might not respond until you yell, but the ‘teacher eye’ will work quickly, likewise an Auditory child only needs a shift in tone as you say his name. A gentle touch on the shoulder to calm, withdrawing a Kinaesthetic child to the quiet corner, or taking away privileges to use a particular resource will have the most impact. With patience and practice you’ll find harmonious discipline much easier and less disruptive.
Younger children are much easier to observe demonstrating their love languages. However, you can explain the concept of love languages to teenagers, and allow them to identify their own. A key is how they want to be comforted: a sympathetic face, soothing words or a hug? It’s crucial to their own personal development to understand why they respond the way they do to other’s actions, words and deeds. A cruel nickname will be more hurtful to an Auditory person, whereas a rude gesture or social media post will impact a Visual person more. A slap hurts a Kinaesthetic more.
It’s also crucial teenagers (and adults) understand that their love language being fulfilled through a boyfriend’s words, gifts or touch does not make it automatically ‘true love’. Likewise, deeds and words must match, and disrespectful behaviour is not acceptable, even if followed by a gift, “I love you” or a cuddle.
Have fun playing with harmonious discipline, and enjoy the benefits at work, and home.
