When I was a child growing up in the 1960’s, our family structure was a nuclear one and the norm for the times: Mum, Dad and the kids. We also had relatives close by, all of the aunts and uncles from both sides of the family bar one, a few great-aunts and great-uncles, plenty of cousins but only one grandparent for me unfortunately, being the last child in the family. Stability is the word that springs to mind when I think about my upbringing. I had one friend who didn’t have a dad and she was the exception amongst all my classmates through primary school. I remember her telling me how lucky I was to have a dad – I thought it was a given.
Society has changed so much in a relatively short time in this regard. Family structures nowadays are so diverse and often complex. In a classroom conversation recently, Year 7 and 8 students could not comprehend the fact that my teacher friend did not have a stepdad.
Looking at this diagram, what strikes me is how much change, loss and grief underscores a lot of these family structures. Many of them are restructured, having become what they are from having been something else. Without doubt, these changes have involved losses and gains in varying amounts for everyone involved both adults and children alike.
As a teacher, you may find yourself in the position of being among the first to be told of a family’s changed circumstances. This may be because the parent has informed you as the teacher who knows their child, has their best interests at heart and is in a position to keep an eye on them. It may be because you’ve noticed a change in a child’s behaviour and broached the subject with the parent or caregiver, or conversely, you may not be informed at all because saying it makes it real and the parent might not be ready to acknowledge that yet or may carry shame about it.
Impact of change on children
From the world around us to the cells in our bodies, change is a constant. Little by little we change and grow every day. It is the big changes that can surprise us and throw us off balance but they are the ones that make us stretch and grow. Some personalities embrace change readily, while others of us need more time to accept and readjust. When change is thrust upon us rather than through choice, this makes it more difficult to accept and may take more time to process. This is often the case for children who are generally powerless over the decisions adults make. When adults put their own relationship needs ahead of their children’s needs, expecting the children to accept the changes and carry on as normal, parents are often surprised when they don’t. First and fore mostly, children need to feel safe and loved to grow.
Some changes to family structure can happen in a matter of moments, such as when there is a sudden death. Even though it has changed in principle, it can take months and years to integrate that in practice. Like an earthquake, we are jolted by a big shake followed by a series of lesser tremors that continue over a period of time until the ground settles and we can stand on our feet again and trust in life enough to rebuild. In the beginning, the focus is on surviving the present circumstances you unbelievably find yourself in, putting one foot in front of the other, taking one step at a time, it takes time to ‘find (both) your feet’. After a traumatic incident, it is normal to feel that the world will never be a safe place again and as such, be in a state of hyper vigilance, a heightened awareness to potential or perceived threat. While the brain is pre-occupied with survival, it is not able to concentrate on learning. This may be the case for some of the children in your classrooms today. If this is the case, refer to my article Grief in the Classroom in the previous issue of Teachers Matter for grounding strategies.
Changes in family structure happen for a multitude of reasons; sometimes they are internal to the family, other times external and sometimes both. It may come about through individual choice, mutual agreement or a complete surprise. Sometimes it is a matter of necessity or survival; sometimes it’s a case of no longer wanting what you have, wanting more or wanting something different. Even when it is your choice and know it is for the best, it is not without loss and grief.
Support through family change
There are significant differences in how losses in life and loss of life are managed, and consequently the support they receive. After a loss of life, we have customs, rituals and ceremonies to mark a person’s passing. Historically determined by culture and/ or faith, though increasingly secularised, these customs shape the way in which we acknowledge, farewell and mourn that loss. Throughout, there is an opportunity for others to show and provide support in various ways.
Contrast that against a family breakup which can involve multiple losses; the loss of the adult relationship and changes to the family unit and dynamics, the loss of daily contact with the children and vice versa daily contact with a parent, the family home and possessions, pets, mutual friends, community, financial position and lifestyle. These losses are experienced by all the family, adults, children and pets. Family separation is not uncommon these days, there isn’t the stigma there used to be but by the same token, there isn’t always acknowledgment of the losses involved either.
What customs and ceremonies do we have for acknowledging and grieving these losses in life? Generally, it is expected that we should just ‘get on with it’ even though some of life’s losses can be so crippling and debilitating that some people don’t recover. Some of these losses can leave people feeling as bereft as if someone had died without the benefit of a funeral and time or permission to mourn. Some losses also go unvoiced for fear of judgment or shame, being minimised or trivialised and some losses simply aren’t recognised as that.
Loss is loss and grief is grief, few of us get through life unscathed by it. We can’t see many of life’s losses but we never forget how they feel and we can touch someone else when we share our story and they can touch us when we listen.