Last edition I talked about two styles of ‘parenting traps’ that we can easily fall into that seem like they are being kind and loving to our kids but actually cause damage and grief for all family members.
In both of these traps the parent/s do too much for their children, thereby stalling the child’s development and independence. The reason for doing this is different in both cases.
Let’s recap on these two styles before discussing the remaining five traps.
Parenting trap # 1 – The Indulging parent
who is both a servant and a banker to their children. These parents are trying to gain approval and affection from their children.
Parenting trap # 2 – The Compensating parent
who tries to make up for some kind of trauma or loss that either the parent or the children has experienced.
In this article we look at the other five parenting styles that can be traps for parents.
Parenting trap # 3 The Watchdog parent
Even when the children are young it is good to create a team atmosphere in the home – everyone is a member of the team and holds a piece of the puzzle. Being a team player implies ownership, contribution and a stake in the family. We gain pride from doing our bit – from pulling our weight – and we learn crucial problem-solving skills.
But the watchdog parent doesn’t have a lot of faith in their young adult’s ability to make good decisions or solve problems. These parents don’t have much faith in their parenting ability either, which causes them to be afraid of making mistakes. They haven’t recognised the right time to reduce or eliminate nurturing (protecting) and
increase empowering (releasing potential).
Watchdog parents are often powerful or precise personalities who tend to be more ‘outcomes-driven’ than relationship- focused.
Characteristics of the watchdog parent are:
• They see the home as their home – the child does not have any ownership.
• They feel responsible for the success of their child’s life. Any failure by the child will be viewed as the failure of the parent and will bear social ramifications for both the parent and the child.
• The child is treated as a project to be completed, and the parent must compensate for any lack of skills or capabilities their child may have.
• Whilst they provide the best opportunities to their yadult, these come with high expectations that the child may have a hard time measuring up to.
Watchdog parents often feel that the family name is at stake! There is no room for error; everyone has to get it right. These parents make too many decisions for their children and skew their kid’s development towards what the parents want, rather than what is right for the child. The relationship functions like a well-oiled machine but there is no room for individual desires from the kids – because Mum and Dad know best. Because watchdog parents tend to be generous, a cycle can develop of indulge, suffocate, control.
The key in this situation is to replace the parent-child relationship with an adult to yadult relationship, while not losing the father to son/daughter, or mother to son/ daughter dynamic. ‘Adult to yadult’ implies an increasing equality of roles, but retains the respect that should be given to a parent.
Cultures make a difference
Evolving the ‘parent to child relationship’ to an ‘adult to yadult relationship’ can be more difficult in cultures where the parents were brought up in a conservative society, and have a high level of input into their children’s lives. For example, people
who have emigrated to a more permissive culture, find that the family relationship can really struggle as permissive peers influence the yadult.
Parenting trap # 4 – The Peer parent
The peer parent wants to become friends with their yadult before their job of parenting has finished. It’s not a bad thing to want to be your yadult’s friend (indeed becoming adult friends is a wonderful reward for parenting properly), but the timing needs to be right. Peer parents are often preoccupied with their own struggles, and run out of energy to be the parent. They tend to reveal too many of their problems to their kids, which can result in a role reversal in which the yadult begins to parent the parent. It’s good to become more transparent the older your yadult gets, however beware of exposing them to things that are not appropriate, and be careful that you are not becoming dependent on them as one of your main friends and confidantes.
Parenting trap # 5 – The Channelling parent
Channelling parents want to have another go at being young. They have difficulty seeing their yadult as an individual distinct from themselves. This often happens when the yadult has similar talents and desires to the parent – when the child is a kind of ‘mini me’. The young adult is offered great opportunities, and the pay-off is that the parent gets to live through their child vicariously. However, this arrangement can turn to custard if the dreams or expectations of the parent are unrealistic or the yadult loses interest in Mum or Dad’s aspirations. It can also be disastrous if the yadult is singled out from other siblings, who no longer feel that they are as valued.
Parenting trap # 6 – The D.I.Y parent
DIY parents are under-committed and don’t take the parenting role seriously enough. They may be absent because of work commitments. Sometimes this is unavoidable due to financial pressure, but what really defines these part-time parents is that they haven’t understood that parenting requires effort, love in action and communication with their children. They tend to have weak values, which lead to being permissive, and they fail to protect their children from exposure to things and situations that are beyond the child’s maturity. They are happy
for their kids to discover life haphazardly, to be exposed to the adult world through the media and other uncontrolled environments, which robs the young adult of the chance to mature gradually through the process of natural discovery.
Yadults of DIY parents often feel insecure. They wonder if they are really loved and often have difficulty forming committed and loyal relationships. In some cases, because they hunger for security, these young people can be vulnerable to gangs and other unscrupulous people who offer a sense of belonging.
Parenting trap # 7 – The Divided parent
It is a reality of our society that around half of all children are being raised in families with only one biological parent present. When spouses or partners dislike each other intensely, their children get caught in the crossfire and suffer the consequences of conflicted parenting. But even in families that are physically intact, there is no guarantee that parents will agree on how to raise their yadults. Because young people are adept at getting their own way, they
quickly find the gap between their parents and run straight through it. Whilst not all divided parents parent badly, the divided parent sometimes displays one or more of the other problematic parenting styles and so the difficulties become layered.
When coaching divorced or separated parents, I focus on creating a cohesive parenting plan. Having a third person present is a good way to keep personal differences to a minimum and to ensure that each person stays accountable to the plan.
All the best with avoiding these parenting traps. Remember that no matter the challenges, good parents have their children’s best interests at the core of their parenting. These parents create a loving atmosphere where guidelines are clear, and boundaries and disciplines are generally well received by their children. That’s not to say that everything goes well all the time, but the family has a solid base on which to handle difficult situations.
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