Grandparents play a vital role in raising children. As a Grandparent of a delicious 9-year-old boy, I wholeheartedly agree that Grandchildren are the reward for having kids. I never knew that I would love my Grandchild as much as my own kids and enjoy him even more!
Of course everything is set up for enjoyment with no responsibility – or is there (responsibility)? It turns out, there is quite a lot! And with a growing number of split and blended families today, there are potentially 8 or more Grandparents influencing the Grandchildren. So, what are a Grandparent’s opportunities and responsibilities in this privileged role?
Grandparents can be a wonderful influence on their Grandchildren
Love
The bond between Grandparents and Grandchildren is precious and unique. For Grandparents it’s the opportunity to experience their own children over again – to cuddle those soft-skinned little munchkins and to feel pride in their development. Lavish them with cuddles, encouragement, praise and quality time. Write your Grandchildren lovely notes that they will keep for life.
Wisdom
There is no substitute for having lived the stages of life, to gain the wisdom to share with your Grandchildren. And it seems that Grandchildren will accept advice and wisdom more easily from Grandparents because they don’t feel judged.
Sanctuary of fun memories and experiences
The older I get the less important having things becomes and more important it is to spend time with the people I love – my grandson being at the top of the list. When I watch him at swimming lessons I can totally enjoy the experience. There is no rush. I don’t have to contend with wet swimming togs, supervise homework or wrack my brain about what to have for dinner.
Many rituals, memories and family traditions are created at Grandparents’ homes, which can be the hub of family gatherings often until the Grandchild becomes an adult. My kids remember when their grandmother would mash those yucky vegetables together with a big knob of butter. Our kids ate them happily. Grandad would sit for hours watching them do bombs into his swimming pool.
Spoiling
It could be pancakes for breakfast, a jar of lollies, a game or a set of special books kept at your place and read together. Depending on their ability, Grandparents may play a significant financial role such as generous birthday and Christmas presents, a contribution to education, or extras like music, swimming lessons or clothing. Wise parents however, do not rely on grandparents as a source of finance that they would otherwise be responsible for. All gifts should be appreciated and not assumed as a right!
Encouragement to parents
Most people wonder if they are any good at parenting. It doesn’t take much for a Grandparent to acknowledge and recognise that their child or in-law is doing a good job – even if it’s just one aspect! This does a lot to strengthen the relationship between Grandparents and parents.
Grandparents can also be a detrimental influence on their Grandchildren
Undermining the parent’s systems and boundaries
While it is always fun to do things a bit differently at your place, just make sure that it doesn’t create a problem when the Grandchild goes home. If things are too lenient or different at your place, you are training your Grandchild to play you off against the parent. When there are split families, this can become a total zoo with a number of different systems operating. By the time they reach their teens, these kids can be highly skilled manipulators. Always contribute to the solution – never the problem.
Discipline is vital to a child’s development. There are horror stories about Grandparents who have seriously undermined the parents’ jurisdiction. I know of several situations where the parents have cut off the supply of accommodation, food and money to an addicted child, while the Grandparent is quietly aiding and abetting the kid’s demands because he or she can’t bear to see their precious (but out of control) Grandchild in want. Addicts are master manipulators and Grandparents are very often the easiest targets. ‘He would walk over his dying mother (Grandmother) to get what he wants.” To an addict whose conscience is severed, this adage is absolutely true.
De-edifying the parents
Be careful about speaking badly about your Grandchild’s parents. It’s really easy to agree with your Grandchild that Mum or Dad is unfair, out of touch or too tough. Even if you actually agree with your Grandchild, stay neutral rather than adding fuel to the fire. It is better to discuss your concerns with your adult child in private than to de-edify them to your grandchild. The Grandchild will find a way to use this as a way to ‘divide and rule.’
Splitting loyalties
Even though your Grandchildren are crazy about you, their first allegiances must be to their parents. Once I asked my Grandson if he wanted to stay the night and he replied, ‘I’ll just check. Shocked at first, I was delighted to think that he had such a respectful relationship with his step father that he considered him a higher authority than me.
Secrets and private jokes are delicious – like dainty morsels to be savoured between Grandparents and Grandchildren. This is all very innocent unless you are subconsciously skewing loyalty to you and teaching the child to keep things from their parents. Be wise not egocentric!
Giving contrary advice
Grandparents can be a very important and safe haven to whom Grandchildren can pour out their problems. If your Grandchild tells you something that you believe his parent really should know, package it in a way that protects the trust shown you by the Grandchild. Before giving advice to your Grandchild, find out all the facts and what Mum or Dad have said on the issue. Confusion and doubt are the enemies of development.
Being overly indulgent
Be careful not to take away your Grandchildren’s’ ability to fight for their character. If you give everything to them – they don’t have to be inventive, work hard and conquer challenges. Don’t help your Grandchildren out of a financial bind without the total knowledge and agreement of the parents and always have a plan for them to pay you back. Never pay for fines or anything else that has a corrupt moral value! Better they face up to the consequences, than a lifetime of weak character.
Finally – treat Grandparenting as a team effort and not a competition with parents.