Relationships are volatile, demanding and rewarding – but that is also the nature of love!
We use the word ‘love’ so loosely for all kinds of things. We love the cat, hot dogs, our car, our mother, our wife and our kids – but surely these are not all the same love. Indeed they are not. The love between parents and their children is unique – difficult to describe to those who don’t have children. It is a love signified by sacrifice, faith, joy, happiness, longing, disappointment and often pain.
I vividly remember the overwhelming love that poured out of me the first time I saw my daughters. As time went by I grew to love them even more. I would have, and still would, give my life for either of my girls.
But love and dislike can easily cohabit – as many parents of yadults will testify. You’ve just had another run-in with your child, and you’re fuming. “How can I parent this kid? Love her? I don’t even like her much! I’ve got three other kids who have turned out just fine and then there is Chantelle! Where did I go wrong? She’s the black sheep of the family. She defies every attempt to help her.”
What were you expecting?
A woman and her 17-year-old son were having one of those marathon arguments that starts on one subject but morphs into something completely different. Neither of them were winning the argument, which had degenerated into personal criticism and name-calling. The mother was calling her son ‘useless’ and ‘lazy’ and he was retorting by accusing her of being ‘Hitler in a skirt’. Finally in pure exasperation, the lad yelled at his mother, “Well if I’m that bad, why did you have me?” That took her completely by surprise and she paused for a moment to think of the perfect reply, “Because we didn’t know it was going to be YOU! We were hoping for someone with a job!”
As funny and bizarre as that reply is, it reveals something about how we relate – parents and children have certain expectations of each other and when those expectations are not met, the relationship suffers.
Kids don’t ask to be born and parents don’t know what they are going to get! Having a baby is definitely an act of faith. But it’s our responsibility as parents to provide a loving environment for our children and to equip them to live responsible and independent adult lives.
Love is Truth
There is a verse in the Bible that talks about ‘speaking the truth in love…’ (Ephesians 4:15).
Love, by its very nature, must be focused on truth – on what is right and what is best for the other person. Love cannot flourish where there is dysfunctional behaviour, nor does it give in to demands or manipulation. Love does not support lies, cover-ups or deceit.
Love can, however, be displayed in spite of shortcomings. Love accepts what is, while believing and fighting for what should be and can be. Someone once said that we are all riddled with flaws – in fact we are almost entirely made up of flaws stitched together with good intentions! It’s the good intentions that give us belief and hope when the current reality doesn’t look so rosy. Good parents use love to show empathy and cut their kids slack when they are in genuine need; and they also show the wisdom of love to put pressure on them when they are just being slack!
I challenge you to tell your kids the truth around subjects such as sex, drugs and alcohol. You cannot control the decisions your yadult will make on these issues but you can have a clear conscience that you held nothing back – you told them the whole story. Love includes the patience to look towards the end result. Becoming an adult is a journey and a process. Young people oscillate between mature and immature thoughts and behaviour. Eventually, and quite naturally, most will do more right than wrong, gradually emulating sound adult behaviour, until one day they cross the line from dependence to independence.
Love your young adults intentionally – Dare to tell them the truth
If authentic love is founded on truth, why are parents so afraid of being honest with their kids? Why do we want to gloss over reality and why do we want our kids to have an easier life than we did? In many cases we experience such strong emotional love for our children that we can be consumed with our feelings at the expense of what is best for them. Warm fuzzies are great when they translate into lots of affection but they can also work against us. We don’t like being unpopular with our kids. We know that yadults can overstate their emotions and feel very differently from week to week, day to day, or even hour to hour.
But, in the heat of conflict, when kids accuse their parents of not loving them or when kids say that they hate their parents, many parents buckle and don’t follow through with tough or unpopular decisions. Let me introduce you what I call ‘intentional love’. Intentional love looks into the future. It starts with the end in mind and focuses on what is best for our children in the long term. The intention is that we love our kids enough to lead them and equip them so that we can release them to live responsible, independent and successful lives. Love, lead and let go!
Intentional love shapes our children into adults who are competent, can compete in the real world and have developed good character along the way. Intentional love stays focused and doesn’t become seduced or distracted by what is convenient, easy or popular.
Love Protects
A parent’s love is like a force-field that protects the family from anything or anyone who might threaten its safety. This is not about paranoia, but good parents have peripheral vision that is always on the lookout for potential dangers. Sadly, there are too many homes today that are not protected – their fences of protection are broken down.
Poppy was a troubled 16-year-old girl who came to live with us for a few months. She started watching a TV programme that followed the lives of teenage mothers, and pretty soon she was immersed in their dramas. Poppy had massive emotional gaps in her life and I was concerned that she would begin to ‘see’ herself as a teenage mum, which in time could led to her creating a real life scenario. I brought it to her attention and strongly suggested that she stop watching the show. Of course she didn’t like my suggestion, which by necessity quickly turned into a command. I cared about Poppy enough to be unpopular. I stood between her and something that I believed would ultimately cause her harm. This was protective love in action. It was also visionary love at work because I could see the possible long-term outcome of a misspent focus.
There are traps out there that your yadult doesn’t have to fall into if you love them intentionally enough to tell them the truth and equip them with the proper tools. I don’t want you to be afraid of what the future holds for your yadult. The process towards independence can be fast-tracked and your kids don’t have to waste years meandering along the pathway. I have found that when yadults are challenged, encouraged and empowered, they are keen to grow. They quickly latch onto concepts that will take them into a bigger world with bigger returns. With just a little more savvy and effort, your yadults can be streets ahead of the masses.