We’ve all been at the shops or some other public place and seen a child throwing a “tanti.” We may look pityingly at the adult with the child or we may wonder at his chosen methods of dealing with it. Either way, it’s an uncomfortable feeling for everyone involved. One of the hardest things to be part of is helping a child manage her angry feelings. Sometimes that’s hard because we as adults have difficulty managing our own anger, or sometimes it’s because we feel too angry ourselves to be useful to anyone else. Regardless of how we feel, as the adult it’s up to us to help children learn to deal with angry feelings in a constructive way.
One of the first things we can (and must!) do is to remain calm ourselves. The tried and true method of taking deep breaths and counting to 10 really does work. So does going into another room and muffling your shout/scream of frustration with a pillow. Do what it takes but maintain your cool. It is perfectly acceptable to say “I’m too angry to talk to you about this now. I need to calm down first and then we will talk.” A good add on to this comment would be to say how you’re going to go and calm down. This models acknowledging feelings and ways of dealing with them. You may also need to tell the child what to do while they wait for you, i.e. quietly read a book, draw a picture etc. You may designate a certain place as a “quiet” or “calm” spot and then put calming items there to be accessed. Things like paper and crayons, markers, pens, cushions, books, things to build are all things that may help the child work through their angry feelings and begin to feel calm again so they’ll be ready to talk about them.
One of the first steps in helping children (and adults) manage their feelings is their ability to name them. Discuss with the child different names for emotions, the facial expressions that may go along with those emotions and possible reasons for those feelings. Give the child words like: frustrated, irritated, angry, sad, hungry, tired, disappointed, hurt, grumpy, scared, embarrassed. Helping them name their emotions will help them to recognize them and bring them to a greater self-awareness of their own emotions.
Once they can label emotions, start discussions about when they feel these different emotions. Don’t forget to include some positive emotions as well. When they’re talking about situations that have been tricky for them in the past and the accompanying emotions, interpret these in a different way for them. For example, if they’re constantly feeling frustrated because no one lets them join in to play at play times, give them the perspective that it’s not necessarily about them and other’s not wanting them to play but possibly that the game is already going and it’s too hard to add others, or it’s almost done or any number of other reasons. Your job as the adult is to give them a different message that they can say to themselves (self-talk) the next time they’re in that situation.
Use these discussions to broach the possibility that perhaps these situations aren’t really worth getting really angry about. Be prepared for them to say vehemently that yes they are worth getting that angry about. If that is the response you get, then ask them to tell you about a time when they felt less angry. Use this to bring up the idea of an anger ladder. The higher up the ladder you go, the angrier you feel. Brainstorm some situations that are at all rungs of the ladder. After you’ve had this discussion in a calm moment, it will be useful to refer to it after a situation in which they’ve gotten very angry. Once they’re calm, get them to rate how they felt on the anger ladder and then evaluate whether that level of response was appropriate. This is a chance for them to be thinking and self-evaluating their own feelings and reactions. Be prepared to step in to help them re-interpret something or to provide a different perspective.
Another useful thing to do is to anticipate situations that may arise that may make them feel angry and to role-play acceptable reactions. Use the Anger Rules to help them to decide what is acceptable.
When I am angry…
I can’t hurt others
I can’t hurt myself
I can’t hurt property
I must talk to someone
(You may want to re-phrase these into positive statements. i.e. I must be gentle with myself, etc.)
Keep your eyes open for when they’ve handled a situation well that in the past would have derailed them. Be sure to notice any positive changes in their behaviour, no matter how small. Say something along the lines of “ wow you really handled that well. In the past you would have shouted/ screamed/thrown something but today, you used an angry voice to say that you were angry and then you stomped off and got yourself away from the situation. That’s a big improvement, I can tell you’re trying hard to manage your feelings and really growing up.”
Give them language to use when they feel angry. A framework like:
When you… I feel… Because… So please…
This framework is simple to remember and effective (for adults and children) to convey their emotions.
Above all, remember no one likes feeling angry. Children who are acting out in anger don’t know how to behave in ways that will meet their needs. We need to be the adult and model and actively teach them more effective strategies.