Grief and Idolisation

Allowing Everyone the Chance to Heal

Losing someone you love and care about is challenging. Currently, I am involved in working with people who are hurting after the suicide of a colleague. There are several observations that I want to make. After this person’s death their Facebook page became a tribute page with large
numbers of people posting messages about how much this person meant to them. It is natural to express grief – the challenge is that many people who posted on the Facebook wall were turning this person into almost a kind of saint. Like all of us, she was a human being with many flaws. Statements were posted such as, “She was the kindest and most loving person to walk the earth.”

To read the full article, members please log in here. To subscribe please click here.

This statement, and many similar, idolise the person and turn them into someone they were not. Idolisation makes the person to be greater than they were, and this may make the grief process worse. Instead of mourning the loss of someone who was a good friend, they are now mourning the death of one of the greatest people to walk the earth. A big part of grief can be processing the times when things didn’t go well. Often when we experience grief, we think back to the times things we got wrong, the arguments we had and the things we wish we hadn’t said or done. When we idolise someone, we take away the chance for people to process that grief.

If you read the Bible, you might know the passage from John’s Gospel that says, “The truth will set you free,” in John 8:32. The lack of truth from idolisation will mean many

people get stuck in their grief, they won’t be able to work it through because they are not grieving the loss of a real person, they are grieving an imaginary person. It is important to learn how to grieve and express sorrow in a positive way such as… “You were a fantastic friend to me. You were always therefor me. You really helped me. I will miss you.” Statements like these are a great way to honour the person because
they say what they mean to you, and they keep the person human.

Another statement is, “There were some times when you could be really stubborn but I really valued your friendship.” Expressed carefully statements like this can be positive and allow us to acknowledge what it was really like to be with this person.

Many of these issues come from our lack of knowledge about how to process grief. In school, we are taught differential calculus, but not how to process grief. I encourage teachers and parents to teach young people how to talk about someone who has died. Encourage them to
have a realistic view of the person. Sometimes we may feel that we cannot say or think anything bad about a person but to the right people expressing this can help us begin the healing process. It can take us out of a place where we are stuck in idolisation and a grief for a person who never existed, and help us to really start working through the grief process.

One of the biggest problems with suicide can be copycat suicides, where one suicide “inspires” another. Knowing someone who died by suicide can be one of the biggest risk factors for suicide. Idolisation of others could impact someone who is considering suicide. Often, when someone is thinking about suicide they are not thinking rationally. Here are some examples of this:

A woman in one of my seminars said that after the death of a friend by suicide, she did not feel sadness — she felt jealousy. She was jealous that this person was at peace and everyone else was miserable. This may be a hard concept for some people to get their head around but this is how many people think and feel. Knowing this, it means we need to be really careful about how we speak of people who died by suicide. We also need to be aware of any changes in our friends, coworkers and loved ones –and if we see something, we need to say something.

Related Posts

How do you Make Healthy Eating a Habit?

How do you Make Healthy Eating a Habit?

5 Ways to Reclaim Your Work-Life Balance

5 Ways to Reclaim Your Work-Life Balance

How To Bring The Best Version Of Yourself To The Classroom

How To Bring The Best Version Of Yourself To The Classroom

Home Yoga Practice

Home Yoga Practice

Michael McQueen


Michael is an award-winning speaker, social researcher and 3-time bestselling author. His most recent book Winning the battle for Relevance is a landmark title that explores why even the greatest businesses and institutions become obsolete and how others can avoid their fate.
www.michaelmcquuen.net
info@michaelmcqueen.net