4 Tips to Self-Monitoring and Choosing Positivity
As humans, we all talk to ourselves, whether we realise it or not. We all have an inner voice that I like to call the, “Itty, Bitty Crappy Committee.” It’s the voice in our mind that says things we usually do not say out loud. This inner dialogue frequently occurs without us even realising it’s happening and runs as a subtle commentary in the background of everything we do. On average, we have anywhere between 40,000 – 60,000 thoughts per day – of those, approximately 60% are negative,
and 85% are repetitive thoughts.
In 2003, I was fortunate enough to study with Dr Martin Seligman, commonly considered to be the father of positive psychology. Dr Seligman had spent the past three decades investigating optimism and happiness. I asked him about possible ways we could stem the rising tide of depression and anxiety we were seeing in schools. He explained that if, as adults, we can help children challenge negative self-talk that would go a long way in addressing these problems. Research has consistently demonstrated that negative self-statements significantly predict anxiety and depression. Dr Seligman believed that we could halve the rates of youth depression if we nipped children’s negative self-talk in the bud from an early age. A child’s mind-set and the expectations they have about their abilities have considerable influence on their willingness to try new things, take risks and learn from their mistakes. Children’s internalised beliefs about their abilities affect their
self-talk and become self-fulfilling prophecies that confirm their expectations and beliefs about their abilities.
Four Ways to Transform Your Child’s Negative Self-Talk.
1. Monitor Their Self-Talk
Start helping your child understand the concept of self-talk by
explaining that we all have a little voice that chatters away to us in our heads. This begins in the second or third year of life, around the same time children begin speaking in sentences. Listen for what they are saying to themselves. The majority is said out loud at this age, until around age five, when they start to internalise it and keep it to themselves. This internal dialogue can be our best supporter or worst enemy. Kids frequently communicate their negative thoughts out loud, such as, “I’m useless at sports so no one is going to choose me to be on the team,” or, “My hair is so ugly.” Support your child in recognising their harsh negative thoughts and internal dialogue. Help them to stop these by discussing the thoughts with them, suggest that they can become a detective that recognises their “negative beliefs” that set them up to feel bad and then scaffold how they can change these thoughts to something more helpful.
2. Help Them ‘Catch’ Their Negative Thoughts
Help your child practice catching negative thoughts so they can begin to recognise them. As they go through their day, encourage them to notice thoughts that make you feel bad about themselves and write these thoughts down. Remember to explain that these thoughts are not good or bad, but that they just ‘are.’ Then, explain that thoughts are also like clouds and can float in and out of their minds at different times.
3. Challenge Negative Thoughts
We need to teach children how to talk to themselves in a positive, kind and reassuring way and reframe negative thoughts so they can think more realistically. We can teach kids to identify and challenge negative thoughts that undermine their belief in their ability to successfully master a task. We have to help them identify their negative self-talk thoughts. Do this by listening for when we hear them say things about themselves that are negative: things that begin with, “I can’t,” “I never,”
or, “I always.” Talk with them about how they feel when they hear themselves say these things and point out how that can stop them from doing their best because it takes away their confidence. Then provide them with evidence to prove why their negative thought is inaccurate and help them swap the negative thought with a positive, more helpful concept.
4. Catch Them Being Good
We frequently pay more attention to the things our children do wrong rather than focusing on what they get right or do well. Make an intentional effort to catch them being good. They need positive reinforcement from us. Remember, what we consistently say to our children becomes their inner voice that will shape the rest of their lives.
