Minimising Conflict

10 Strategies to Reframe Your Thinking

Conflict is one of the leading causes of stress and we all know what can happen to our health if we are enduring stressful environments. Whether it is with family, friends, colleagues or even online comments, many conflict situations (although sometimes it is best avoided) can be defused with the strategies outlined below.

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1. Remember that whatever someone says to you, it’s their thoughts that are being spoken out loud. We can’t control other people’s thoughts, but we can control how we respond. So don’t own other people’s thoughts by reacting to them. Don’t take things personally because they are not your thoughts to own.

2. Remember to breathe and pause before you respond to anything, especially if you have a keyboard in front of you. If  you give the prefrontal cortex of your brain time to think more rationally you will avoid saying something that can never be taken back.

3. We are the product of our lives: our upbringing, genetics, education, friends and social pressures. Every person’s experience is different which results in us all thinking differently. Make conscious choices about what you say, think, do or believe.

4. No one can make you feel anything. It’s so easy to say, “You make me angry,” but the anger comes from within ourselves. What is your internal dialogue saying to you? Are you choosing to blame, rather than take responsibility? You can always change the way you think – it’s just not as easy as blaming others. Even though it may be more difficult, choose to take responsibility.

5. Don’t be a “right” fighter. You don’t have to win all the time.  Other people do not see the world as you do and they do not think the same things. We often get angry when people do not see things as we do. Imagine you expect someone you know well to react to something a certain way and then they don’t. If you get angry or upset, it is because you think others should think like you do, but they can’t and they won’t.

6. Gratitude is the single biggest contributor to a successful relationship. Be grateful for what people bring to your life. You might do this by keeping a gratitude journal or just write a list  of things for which you are truly grateful. Don’t forget to tell the people in your life that you are grateful.

7. Be kind! Spontaneous acts of kindness will make you feel so much better about relationships and life – and it will also bring joy to others. Leaving notes of love or special words, an unexpected gift, a flower picked from the garden, saying, “I love you,” every day and meaning it, going above and beyond or helping a stranger will all bring joy to others, as well as bringing awareness of your gratitude to yourself. Find ways you can give acts of kindness around you.

8. Practice asking yourself these three questions every day:
• What have I given to others today? How have I helped them?
• What have I received from others? How have they helped me?
• What trouble have I caused?

9. Remember, conflict does not survive without your participation. You cannot be in conflict if you choose not to be! Choose what needs to be debated or discussed and let the other things go.

10. We all have different personalities and ways that we communicate. Think about the people in your life right now and what key characteristics they may have. We are a combination of the four personalities, but have strengths in different areas. Sometimes we ‘clash’ with other types because they are the opposite to us, but that doesn’t make them wrong.
We should embrace all the styles for what they bring, especially
to teamwork. The four main personality types that most
personality assessments use, come down to these basic traits:

a. Doers: These people can sometimes be abrupt, straight to the point and good decision makers. However, they are often not excellent listeners, don’t care for long-winded stories, and will tell you what you need to hear.

b. Thinkers: Thinkers are characterised by their analytical, orderly and logical thinking. They like to-do lists, processes, information to back up ideas, time lines and they don’t like distraction.

c. Relationship people: People who are relational tend to like getting to know other people, they like to talk and share stories and they work hard to support colleagues. They are  good listeners, care about those around them and like to know everyone is okay.

d. Creatives: These are the fun, spontaneous, creative ideas people, who are very easily distracted. They love coming up with ideas, looking at possibilities and like to leave the processes to others. They don’t like not having their ideas  listened to.

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Linda Guirey


Linda - The Choice Champion - is a speaker, coach, trainer and author who speaks about creating positive change in your life through understanding your choices. Linda was voted Best Speaker in New Zealand for 2012, in the Corporate Events People’s Choice Awards. Linda is also an artist and uses her artwork in her presentations as they reflect the messages she shares. www.lindaguirey.co.nz