Languages of Love and Appreciation in the Classroom

Deep in the heart of every teacher is a desire to connect with their students, one by one, on a personal level, in order to make a positive difference. Deep in the reality of a busy classroom, that is simply not possible.

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Or is it? Could one teacher touch each student’s heart if she knew how to speak the language of their heart? Is it possible to give attention so that everyone feels appreciated and valued?

It is when we hone our linguistic skills!

My mother passed away when I was in my twenties. When we were growing up my younger sister and I competed heavily for her attention, but as soon as she was gone we clung to each other. For years we would get together and reminisce about the funny, fabulous mother we knew. On one occasion I was dreamily remembering how loved I felt by her: those warm welcome home hugs, the way she would lean over me to inspect my latest sewing project on the machine, the way she would hold my hand as I recounted a bad day at work.

My sister looked at me quizzically. “Hmph,” she said. “I didn’t know that woman.”

Not long after, as I strolled the aisles of a used bookstore, a book fell off the shelf in front of me. After checking around for pranksters I took the incident as a sign, bought The 5 Love Languages, by Dr Gary Chapman and learned that people express and experience love and appreciation in one of five ways: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch.

No wonder my mother’s touch literally touched my heart. We spoke the same love language. But what about my sister? It turns out she wanted one on one time, mum all to herself with no other sibling around! That definitely explained the fighting.

Chapman says that while many of us are doing our best to show love, by thanking others, giving gifts or exchanging hugs, we could be missing the mark if our recipient values a different ‘language.’ It’s a bit like insisting on speaking French when you’re in Germany.

We each have a need to love and be loved by others; to feel appreciated and valued. Our daily interactions with others, within classrooms, workplaces, in community groups and around the dinner table, are greatly enhanced when we become multilingual speakers of love and
appreciation.

How can this work in a classroom setting? It’s actually quite easy. To discover a student’s love language observe the way they connect with others, analyse what they complain about most often and what they frequently request from others and you.

Gifts: Who put the apple on your desk? Or brought extra cookies in their lunchbox just for you? Maybe they’re not gluten, sugar and dairy free, but accept them with the love that they’re given in. Keep on the lookout for a small gift you can give in return.

Quality Time: “Miss? Miss? Can I ask you a question?” These students can make a short story long in order to keep you captive. They
value time alone and your full attention and they glow when you inquire about them personally.

Words of Affirmation: Do you know a student who will go out of his way to let you know how he enjoyed the class or the field trip? Or who says your haircut or new outfit looks good on you? These are the students that bask in kind words about themselves, such as, “I appreciated your help today,” or, “You are generous, kind, bubbly, determined.” Positive adjectives are warmly welcomed.

Acts of Service: Who is the student to bring you the notebook you left behind in the gym? Or the one to tidy the board for you? Acts of service are little jobs that aren’t our responsibility but done because we care about the person we are doing them for. While it may come naturally to thank your helper, take note. When the opportunity arises, see if you can do something helpful for them.

Physical Touch: You will notice students who reach out to connect physically, hug their friends, touch to accentuate their words. Perhaps they compete to stand next to you in the line up. Help them feel valued by a touch on the shoulder or arm when talking with them, or any time acknowledgement is appropriate. A touch can mean more than words.

With this knowledge and a little detective work, you will begin to identify the love languages of your students. You may have ah-ha moments when a behaviour is suddenly understood. When the love languages are practiced, hearts are filled. And when we’re topped up on love, we have more than enough to give.

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Melanie Vezey