Running with scissors

If I have a soapbox, perhaps it is about the importance of allowing children to learn from their mistakes. So often I
find myself (and notice others) engaging in more ‘helicopter’ parenting/teaching and stopping children learning from their mistakes and failures.

To read the full article, members please log in here. To subscribe please click here.

I’m convinced it is fear that drives us. Let me explain…
A few years ago we were coming back from an overseas holiday and were disembarking at a very late hour. We were all tired and hungry and still had another flight to catch before we made it home. We were traveling with my parents and they were seated further down the aeroplane. Our young daughter disembarked and, wanting to wait for her grandparents, sat on the floor in the main traffic flow of others leaving the plane. She was tucked in close to the wall however it was not the best place to sit. I overheard my husband telling her to shift as others would stand on her. She refused to move and he kept on insisting that someone would trip or stand on her. While his intentions were great, he failed to understand that with that simple statement, she was likely to prove him wrong.

My husband was driven by fear. The fear of her getting hurt, fear of others judging him, fear of being reprimanded by the airport staff, and so on. She, on the other hand, proved him wrong because no-one stood or tripped on her – meaning she might not be able to trust his warnings in the future.She simply stood up once her grandparents appeared and carried on.

I can recall travelling in the back seat of the car as a child on a hot summers day. With the window down and the breeze blowing I reached my arms out wide outside the window. I can strongly recall running with scissors my Dad cautioning me to never put my arm outside the window while the car was moving. I questioned him as to why it was
not allowed, to be told, “If the car rolled with my arm out the window, I might lose my limb.” Even way back then, I silently questioned the validity and likelihood of this ever happening. It was a rule based on fear and the miniscule odds of the event ever happening. However, from my dad’s perspective, he did know someone whose car rolled and they did lose an arm.

Fear is what often drives us, and when we hold our children back because of our unsubstantiated fear, they are less likely to learn for themselves and will not develop the resilience and important life skills needed in their future. Fear is described as “an unpleasant and often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger”. We are wired as humans to protect our young however we are often trying to protect them from events that are unlikely to happen. There is a difference between fear and danger. In the modern, busy world we live in, the brain has perhaps been confused by the two.

A neuroscientist, once shared this with me:

We are born knowing what is a primary threat. Children are born instinctually knowing that snakes and spiders are a
primary threat to them. There is so much of the brain that has not changed over centuries of evolving – and this is one example. She went on to explain if a child has a fear of mice, this is a learn response, as mice have never been a primary threat to our existence.

I was recently explaining this at a workshop and Maria (a participant) shared this example. Her mother was afraid of heights and as a child Maria was perfectly happy being up high. One day Maria got too close to the edge of a tall building and her mother freaked out. Maria explained she is now petrified of heights and breaks into a sweat when up high.

Scrolling the internet for common fears, I came upon a list from listverse.com where they stated the 10 most common fears which influence human behaviour. They are:
10. Losing your freedom
9. The unknown
8. Physical pain
7. Disappointment
6. Misery
5. Loneliness
4. Ridicule
3. Rejection
2. Death
1. Failure

When our children were young, they used to play in the cupboards in the kitchen while I was cooking. I lost count of how many times I heard other adults say, “Watch your fingers”. It was more likely for you to hear me say, “Catch your fingers!” The best way for them to learn is to catch a finger in the door. They are extremely unlikely to do it again. We have all at some point in our lives caught our fingers in a cupboard or drawer. It is called being human!

When our daughter was 8 years old she went to help her uncle feed the pigs on the farm. They came to an electric fence and she was advised to keep away and not touch it. After minutes of asking, “Why can’t I touch it?” (her attempt to understand how it all works), and being told it would give her an electric shock, her uncle finally said, “Just touch it then.” She did, got a small jolt, and will never do it again. Some children really do need to learn the hard way.

Saying this, I am not suggesting you allow your child to play with a metal fork near a power point. We do have a duty to protect them from harm. Of course they must wear a helmet on their bike, a seatbelt whilst in the car and we must keep boiling water out of children’s reach.

The distinction is to ensure your fears are not transferred to your child. Allow them to learn, make judgements and experiment to find the boundaries.

Of course, sometimes children do not need to learn from their own mistakes and can learn from others.

Our son was 5 and daughter 3 when I did a national tour. We went as a family and they would drop me at the venue each morning and go off and explore the town, and pick me up at 12.30. We ate lunch and drove to the next town, checking into a motel or hotel. This pattern continued for 2 weeks. One afternoon our son had left the sliding door open. I asked him to close it. As he did, he caught his finger in the door. There was a great deal of screaming and crying as we ran his finger under the cold tap. It went black very quickly. Once all had settled down, I noticed the door was again open. This time I asked Miss 3 to please close the door. She looked at her brother, walked to the door,
placed her palms on the glass, slid the door closed and announced, “I be careful!”

Be aware of your own biases and fears and work towards minimising the transfer of these to your children.

Related Posts

Making Learning Real

Making Learning Real

Transitioning to Secondary School

Transitioning to Secondary School

Nutrient Boosting for Fussy Eaters

Nutrient Boosting for Fussy Eaters

How Habits Help Fussy Eating

How Habits Help Fussy Eating

Karen