Learning to try again
In my work, supporting behaviour development around the country, I often hear comments like “He/She has a fear of failure”; “They just cannot bear to be wrong”; “They won’t ever try anything new”. Concerningly, this is becoming an increasingly common theme.
What is not so common is a true understanding of where this trend is coming from. Continuing to bemoan the inability of our children to accept failure is not helping us move towards a solution. So let’s do just that, let us work towards a solution…
A good way to start when we are thinking of working with behaviour, is to first ask: What is it we actually want our children to be able to do? What is the skill, or the set of skills, that would be supportive in this space? When we do this, we are identifying the goal we want to set.
Just quickly, before we continue to talk about the specific behaviour, let’s do a quick neuroscience lesson. This lesson is a very summarised and simplified one. For more information please visit my website, or link into more detailed articles on this subject.
In the brain, when we learn something, the brain is physically activating connections between cells. When we continue to activate between the same cells, we trigger a process called myelination. Myelination is the brain applying a coating on the connections between cells. Simplistically, the more myelin that is layered on the connection, the faster the connection will activate. We know this from when we have learnt things such as driving, guitar playing etc. The more we repeat something, the more automatic it becomes.
So the first point to know, is that the brain myelinates connections between cells due to repeated activation. What we also need to understand is what the brain doesn’t do.
The brain does not get rid of connections because you ask it to. So when you say to a child “stop swearing” – the brain cannot go into that network of connections that activate swearing and get rid of it. You get that this explanation is being slightly tongue-in-cheek, but the basic information is correct. The brain does not exterminate connections because we ask it to stop a behaviour. So if we want to make a change to the brain, physically, we have to activate and repeat cell connections that work towards the goal we want to produce. This is clear in theories such as strength based practice, reflective practice and many others. Identifying the goal we want to aim towards, developing steps towards it, then reflecting and continuing practice; this is how we learn a new skill, or improve on an existing one. Brain science supports this via cell connection and myelination.
Now we will return to the specific topic of failure, and how to help our children become better at coping with it.
As with all behavioural situations, the answer is more complicated than simple. So please appreciate that the scope of this article requires simplification which will always lend towards generalisation. Always respect that every child is an individual, so consider their specific personality traits, current conditions, historical experience etc. if you are thinking of implementing this with a student.
Neuroscience tells us that we need to identify what we want the child to be able to do, what is it we want them to learn? Breaking ‘fear of failure’ down so we can see it can look different for different situations. For this generalised purpose we will consider the goal as ‘Being able to try again when we get something wrong.’
‘Being able to try again when we get something wrong’ is a statement we can see. So now we can begin the first step of supporting the new learning, that is, to MODEL the desired behaviour. Ensure you start the process at a level that is respectful to the individual.
The second step is for them to DO IT. Learning something new will only happen through success. So lots of repetition of them DOING IT right will get those cells connecting, repeating and therefore myelinating. This requires you to scaffold, support and continue to model in required moments.
The final step is to REINFORCE. This is a huge part of learning something new, and one we can sometimes neglect. When we consider that repetition of cells strengthens connections, it is obvious that if we repeat that learning – even through us explaining how well they did when they tried again – this will enhance learning.
So, if we MODEL, then give them a supported chance to DO IT and then REINFORCE that learning, we can support learning the new skill. In this case, getting better at trying again. Once the child realises that when they try again, they can be successful, they will get more confident at it. Only through identifying the actual goal we wish to achieve, modelling, supporting them to do it, then reinforce their progress will a new behaviour be learnt. It will not be learnt by just telling the student to stop, or by protecting them from failure, as we often do in cases such as this. It is counterintuitive when we understand brain science.
The last point we will discuss on this topic might be slightly contentious, so please keep reading but read with an open mind. It becomes obvious once you realise what has been discussed above, that perfect practice makes perfect…
In our modern environment, our children are very seldom in a space where adults are not close by. This means adults often regulate situations for children. Adults often jump in and stop fights; or limit the exploration to levels the child will be successful; or soothe the disappointment of a child by saying “it’s not your fault”. These are all driven by our desire as an adult to limit the pain for our children. But if you expand this concept to consider what learning is happening in each of those scenarios, we can see there is limited moments for the child to get it wrong, hence lack of opportunity to practice ‘trying again’. So you see, as adults, if we continue to wrap children too much, we are essentially limiting their own learning around failure. And if we don’t practice something, cells don’t connect and we don’t achieve learning.
Again, please respect the limited scope of this article. Full exploration of this concept takes hours of training and interactive conversations. This is an article aimed at beginning a conversation around fear of failure. It translates to all learning of course, but this inability of many children to accept failure is often due to a lack of practice. So creating moments where failure will be experienced, linked with respectful, supported, and repeated practice of ‘trying again’ will be one giant step towards increasing this very essential capacity in our children.