“More often than not, fear doesn’t emerge as nail-biting, cold-feet terror, but surfaces instead as anger, perfectionism, pessimism, low-level anxiety, depression, and feelings of isolation. In these many disguises, fear can permeate life, leaving room for little else. It morphs from one pseudoemotion to another, rarely declaring itself, poisoning each moment it touches.” — Dan Baker, Ph.D.
You may think your moods just come out of nowhere. But scientists now believe that moods are mostly a response to what we think, usually without even noticing. So those bad moods and cranky days are often created by our own inner critics.
We can’t get rid of our inner critics – they’re hard wired. That’s how human minds are designed. They work hard to keep us safe. But every human mind generates fear much of the time. Without conscious management on our parts, fear can permeate our thoughts – and poison our lives.
Notice how often fearful thoughts cause unhappy emotions: “If he doesn’t start using the potty, he’ll never be able to start school…I just know she won’t stay in bed tonight and I’ll end up screaming at her again…How will she ever make it in college if I’m having to check up on her homework so much?…If I don’t do something drastic to stop this behaviour right now my kid will grow up to be a criminal…”
Fear is what pulls us off the high road and onto the low road of parenting. Fear is what makes us hard on ourselves and our children. Fear is what makes us anxious and angry.
That’s why fear has to be consciously confronted. How?
1. Notice your thoughts. Stop. Take a breath. Notice all that chatter in your mind. Is any of it negative? Don’t let it get you down. Becoming aware of these thoughts is the first step toward changing them. Once we notice, we stop automatically believing and acting on these thoughts. We have a choice.
2. Challenge the negative thoughts. Notice each and every negative thought and stomp it like bug. Yes, even if it’s “true.” There is ALWAYS another, more empowering way to see the situation.
3. Reframe the thought: “No, my child will not grow up to be a criminal. He’s acting like a kid because he IS a kid… All kids sleep through the night sooner or later…No high school kid is in diapers.”
You’ll find that you can respond better to any situation from a place of calm than from your mind’s panic.
When you find yourself manufacturing negative scenarios, reprogramme your unconscious mind by suggesting a happier ending: “Wouldn’t it be nice if this evening everything went smoothly at bedtime? Wouldn’t it be nice if tonight I stayed calm and cheerful and knew just what to do?”
You’ll be surprised how happy your unconscious mind is to oblige.