The art of listening

Screen Shot 2014-09-26 at 12.26.09 pmHave you ever experienced conversations where it feels like someone is not really listening, just waiting for their turn to speak?

I think most of us will have at some stage, and I imagine that perhaps a few of us may have been the impatient one wanting their turn at times too!

To read the full article, members please log in here. To subscribe please click here.

I know that my impulsivity sometimes has me jumping in during a conversation before I pause to absorb what has been said, I know at times I get excited and want to share my great idea or current thought before the other person has finished… so this is a work in progress for me. I also know learning ‘wait time’ made me a better teacher. I know when I manage my impulsivity and attend to the conversation it is amazing how the questions come naturally, how much I learn about the other person, and myself. One of my favourite things is meeting new people and hearing about their world, I have had amazing conversations with fellow passengers on planes (I know this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea!), taxi drivers and people I meet whilst waiting in line. Even though I rarely meet these people again my world is richer for the conversations we have had.

“Listening looks easy, but it’s not simple. Every head is a world.” — Cuban Proverb

Real listening demands for a short time that we are living in the moment, alongside the person we are listening to, with mind and heart open. Real listening is about the other person. We hear them and help them tell their story, by honestly being there. The questions we ask are genuine and not designed to meet our agenda but theirs- sometimes they don’t even know what their agenda is and being listened to helps them discover it. Celia Lashlie spoke about this at the Teachers Matter conference earlier this year when suggesting that if we want to help people we work and live with we need to stop looking at our watches and computers and other assorted gadgets, stop believing we know the answer and know better, and instead focus on the other person, step inside their bubble and hear their truth. I couldn’t agree more.

I am currently doing an online course on the Habits of Mind. One of the strategies we have been focusing on is pausing, paraphrasing and probing. Very briefly here is the strategy as I understand it:

Pausing allows the speaker space to think and speak clearly; they may continue speaking and go deeper than they would normally. Pausing also allows the listener the opportunity to reflect on what they have heard.

Paraphrasing is when the listener tells the speaker what they have heard and checks in to see that they have got it right. Paraphrasing gives the speaker a chance to reflect on what they have spoken about and clarify any misconceptions.

Probing is when the listener asks questions to get greater clarity about the problem or learn more about the other person and their perspective. Through answering questions the speaker may come to new understandings or greater clarity, they may discover solutions that they didn’t know were there.

This work provides a great framework to develop our real listening skills. And it’s worth the effort. Real listening is pivotal to building great teams, working with others and helping people build resiliency (their can-do-ness!). We have opportunities to use real listening at school, at home and in community and social groups that we belong to. It can help us to reduce miscommunication and unnecessary stress from conflict, create more harmonious relationships and become more open to new ideas and ways of thinking.

Feeling heard has the capacity to fill our tanks (metaphorically and physiologically) and improve our sense of wellbeing and worth. Real listening is reciprocal- both parties gain from the dialogue, I often learn from you when I actively tune in.

What a wonderful gift to give to a student, a colleague, a loved one… l encourage you to spend some time and energy this week sharing your gift of really listening.

Screen Shot 2014-09-26 at 12.28.57 pm

Related Posts

Fostering Wonderment and Awe in the Classroom

Fostering Wonderment and Awe in the Classroom

Back to School

Back to School

Navigating Challenging Conversations

Navigating Challenging Conversations

How Artificial Intelligence Augments Biological Intelligence

How Artificial Intelligence Augments Biological Intelligence

Megan Gallagher


Megan is a committed learner. She has been a teacher and an educational leader who has specialised in health education for a number of years. She is an avid promoter of building resilience in our students and selves.