Trade a feeling for another feeling

People who are emotionally immature function in the ‘here and now’. They need instant or short-term gratification to give meaning to their world. They have little or no understanding of how the decisions they make today will affect their lives in the long-term. This is especially common amongst the young because their perspective on life is relatively short and they find it hard to envisage what life will be like in years or even months to come. Even physiologically, they are limited because the prefrontal cortex part of the brain does not fully develop until the mid twenties.

The main job of the prefrontal cortex region is to differentiate among conflicting thoughts, assess future consequences of current activities, and implement social “control” (the ability to suppress urges that, if not suppressed, could lead to socially unacceptable outcomes).

Simply put, thinking forms patterns and habits, which dictate decisions that drive behaviours thereby finally creating outcomes. So, if we don’t like the way our lives are turning out – we had best retrace our steps and examine how we make decisions. And since emotions and not logic drive our decisions, we need to retrain the way we respond to our feelings.

For our decisions to serve our future purposes and goals – we often have to ‘trade a feeling for another feeling’. It can be hard work to suppress the urge to feel good now in favour of a better future, but it is possible by developing a new way of thinking.

‘Outside-in’ thinking versus ‘Inside-out’ thinking

‘Inside-out’ thinking focuses on urges; the here and now mentality, and short-term thinking where feelings control actions giving little thought to the consequences, and whether or not these consequences line up with what we really want.

‘Outside-in’ thinking asks questions like: “will doing this line up with my values and goals? Who will be helped or hurt by this decision?”

‘Outside-in’ thinking has to be associated with a preferred experience, a cause or a goal to give it power over the conflicting desire for instant gratification. The feelings associated with a worthy cause produce a much better pay off than the spontaneous quick fix decision.

Examples of trading a feeling for another feeling;

‘Inside-out’ feeling:

I really want a cigarette! I am craving that nicotine buzz and I’ll simply die if I don’t get it.

Traded for:

‘Outside-in’ feeling:

Yes – I do want that cigarette but I really want to be a non-smoker so that I can save for my car, (house or education), be a good role model, be healthy, and be nice to kiss!

‘Inside-out’ feeling:

I would rather sit in this corner and talk only to my one friend because it is easy and I am shy.

Traded for:

‘Outside-in’ feeling:

Sitting here is easy but actually I would rather be able to walk into any situation and communicate freely. I want to make friends easily.

There is a constant internal battle going on between our ‘I want to do the right thing’ good side and our ‘what the heck – I’m going to indulge myself’ bad side. Here are a couple of tools to help you win:

A written affirmation is a statement written in the positive present tense, which reminds us of our intentions. Example – “I love being a non-smoker because I am saving $100 more per week towards what I really want… (Name it).”

When read at least twice a day, an affirmation can tip your thinking from indulgence to integrity.

I used an affirmation when I was giving up smoking. Before I allowed myself to have a cigarette, I read a description of me as a smoker and then a description of me as a non-smoker. It wasn’t too long before reading the descriptions turned me off smoking and had me longing to be that ‘clean’ non-smoker. Obviously my heart’s desire was to give up smoking otherwise I would not have written the descriptions.