How to use 3 point communication to deliver negative news

One evening, a colleague of mine came to me after a grueling week doing parent conferences. She had to give some negative feedback to one of her student’s parents and she was upset with how personally the parent took the news. She said to me, “I just talked to him about some things his child needed to change, but he really doesn’t take criticism very well.” While that could be the case, it is likely that the problem was actually in the delivery.

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We can be as tactful as possible with what we say verbally, but if we are not using the correct non-verbal communication, there’s a high likelihood that our delivery will foster high emotions in the other person, and they will take the negative message personally. So what can we do to ensure that the listener is able to tackle negative news with less emotion and that we are able to evoke positive emotions when it helps our message? The secret is all in the eye contact.

Two-point Communication

When a teacher is communicating with a parent, the parent will most likely look where you are looking. When the teacher looks at the parent, the parent will likely make eye contact back. Eye contact is referred to as two-point communication because there are two parties involved: the teacher and the parent. Two-point communication is interpersonal in that the relationship between the parties is accessed. Two- point communication increases the emotions inside the parties who are looking at each other. This is true whether the emotions are positive or negative and whether the teacher is sharing positive or negative news.

Three-point Communication

Since the parent follows the teacher’s eyes, once the teacher has the parent’s attention, the parent will look where the teacher directs her eyes. If the teacher looks at a paper or a grade book, the parent will follow her lead and look at the paper also. Since the two parties, namely the teacher and the parent, are looking at a third point, the communication is referred to as a three-point communication. Three-point communication is not as personal as two-point communication and is also less emotional than two-point communication because the focus is on the issue level of the communication instead of the relationship level.

As educators, we have been over trained in direct eye contact (two points). It’s time to branch out and become a master of three-point communication as well! If the interaction you’re having is positive, it’s okay to make eye contact; if it’s negative, it’s better to employ a third point. So the next time you have to deliver negative news or talk about an issue that’s occurring, try using three- point communication. You’ll be surprised at how receptive your parent becomes and relieved at the lack of defensiveness that is fostered by this handy trick!

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Michael Grinder


Michael Grinder is the United States national director of NLP in Education. After teaching for
17 years on three education levels, he holds the record of having visited over 6,000 classrooms. Michael has pioneered the practice of using non-verbals to manage classrooms and create a safe learning environment based on influence instead of power.