Unpacking Your Relationship With Money and Your Family
It’s safe to say that as an early childhood specialist and educator in different contexts for over 35 years, that I have a special interest in the early years of development and family harmony. This has led me to unpack some of the reasons for stress in families and marriage breakdown. Relationships have always been a key focus when working with young children, university students, families and community groups. So when I discovered Money Coaching and the link to the early years, I was fascinated. I’m a researcher, so when I read that money and financial stress have been credited as the number one reason couples divorce, (Business Insider, 2019) I wanted to know more and how it linked to young children.
I found that the biggest issues couples seem to have include:
• Different attitudes toward spending money.
• Financial priorities that don’t align.
• Secret spending hidden from partners.
• Spending more than the budget allows.
• Unable to agree or compromise on spending/saving.
• Impulse buying of big items and major expenses.
• Combined bank accounts with one person spending more than the other.
Major expenses that are unexpected. All or any of these situations can lead to feeling out of control or on a downward spiral financially. This can impact on physical and mental health, but more importantly can be a major contributor to divorce. Approximately 49% of the population says that they are under financial stress and can’t make ends meet even though they are working.
My question: How does this happen?
What is it that influences the way we spend, save, buy, sell, worry, plan, impulse buy – whether we have a lot of money or not? How is it that we never seem to be able to get ahead? Money goes out as fast as it comes in! Why is it that we feel that we need to hold onto the purse strings tightly and have total control of the household money?
I immersed myself in learning more about this through training and research and became a Certified Money Coach©.
Coaching and being an early childhood specialist are a good fit. I have a keen interest in development in the early years and the shaping of adult lives. The relationship we have with money impacts significantly on the relationship we have with each other and how we approach life.
Through research we know that our beliefs systems, values, thoughts and behaviours all began when we were around five years old. This is the same for money beliefs and money relationships. We watched our parents (who watched their parents) manage money. Money beliefs and values are intergenerational, passed down with comments like “money doesn’t grow on trees”, “do you think we are made of money?”, “rich people have money because they are tight and never spend anything”.
Children who hear these sayings may have the belief system that money is hard to get, or to have money means not to share – that’s what has been modelled and said by the significant adults in our lives. These money understandings, values, beliefs and patterns learnt in childhood don’t generally serve the adult. As a young child with a developing brain and limited understanding of the adult world our beliefs are shaped by what we hear and observe. Neuroscience and child development research support this statement. Think back to when you were young:
• Did you hear arguing about bill paying and not having enough money?
• Did you see new things coming into the house all the time?
• Did you have annual holidays?
• Did you get pocket money?
• Were you always told to save your money?
• Were you told, “We can’t afford it?”
As we get older, have our own money, navigate a job and find a partner, these belief systems and behaviour patterns become our adult default. Even when we think we have it all together, sometimes things slip financially and our energy and relationship with money and others is impacted.
My role as a Money Beliefs Educator is to take my clients back to their early childhood days and together, we work through life events to identify patterns, themes, common emotions and actions that have influenced the relationships with people and with money, then and now. The emotions, thoughts and actions in the money story point to typical patterns of behaviour that we call archetypes. By exploring the eight archetypes, clients ‘see’ themselves and can make informed decisions about
their relationship with money. Clients become more mindful and in control of their money decisions which extends to relationship decisions – it’s powerful!
Using small, manageable tasks we work through misunderstandings and develop a healthier and more empowered relationship with money built on self awareness. If you are a parent, it’s a double bonus because you will become
more mindful of modelling positive behaviours and language for your children. Consequently, you will help to break the intergenerational attitude to money and build healthy personal and money relationships.