Talking with kids can be hard work for parents and teachers. Sometimes just one word out of place or the wrong tone of voice can get a child’s guard up, upset them or make them uncooperative. But perhaps the biggest challenge for many adults is to say the right thing when their kids are worried, fearful or anxious. It’s so easy to make a mash of it so that your child gets even more upset. Here’s a list of seven inappropriate phrases I’ve used, or I’ve heard others use which don’t meet the emotional needs of a fearful, anxious or worried child or young person. Just as importantly, I’ve provided alternative ideas to use instead.
1. “Build a bridge and get over it!”
The, “Come on. Get on with it,” approach works with some kids only some of the time. We often say this in exasperation. But if a child or teen is genuinely anxious about a coming event, going into a new situation or is worried about a looming change, then they need someone to understand their worries and fears. “Ahh! I can see you are worried about this,” is a far more effective response.
2. “This is not worth worrying about. Stop being so silly!”
Similarly, not taking a child’s fears seriously, or even worse, making light of them, just doesn’t help. Kids need to know somebody understands how they feel, and that their feelings are important.
3. “It’ll be right in the morning.”
The ‘get a good night’s sleep’ approach has some has merit, particularly when a child is ‘catastrophising,’ or continually revisiting the same worries. There are times when a child’s worries will seem better after a good night’s sleep. However, for children and young people who truly experience anxiety, a new day simply offers a new opportunity for feeling overwhelmed by worry and anxiousness. The source of the anxiety needs to be recognised and strategies created for management.
4. “Calm down! Will you?”
Anxiety can often show itself through high emotion and distress. The natural reaction of many well-meaning adults is to quietly ask an emotional child to calm down. However, a distraught child is likely to misinterpret your calmness for not caring. Adult calmness in the face of a child’s upset usually leads to more emotional outburst. It’s more effective to match your level or intensity with your child’s level of emotion if you intend to calm them down. Saying, “Yep, I can see you’re upset. That’s understandable,” at the same intensity and volume that your child uses is likely to be far more effective in bringing down his or her emotions.
5. “OMG! That is horrible!”
It’s easy for a parent or teacher to take on a child’s anxieties and worries as their own, particularly if an injustice has occurred. Better to take a breath, stand back and be as objective as possible, rather than be drawn into the vortex of a child or young person’s worries.
6. “You should be worried about that!”
Sometimes we can feed children’s anxieties and worries or even create worries that aren’t there. Be careful not to foist your own anxieties and fears on children and young people.
7. “Stop being so naughty. Behave yourself.”
Many children and young people act out when they are anxious and nervous, which is easily interpreted as misbehaving, particularly if you view all interactions through a behavioural lens. Instead of reacting to the behaviour, step back and consider what may be going on emotionally for a child or young person. When you know the triggers for a child’s anxiety, then you are better placed to recognise anxiousness and respond appropriately.
Parents and teachers are in the best positions to support children and young people when they are anxious. They need to know that you take their concerns seriously, and that you are willing to support them in their efforts to manage their anxiousness, and in doing so, achieve what’s important to them as well.