Approaching Parent Defensiveness and Denial

 How to structure courageous conversations with parents in regard to behaviour or academics

“My child would never do that!”

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As most teachers and school leaders know, sharing negative news with parents about their child’s behaviour is one of the most unpleasant parts of their role. It can be confronting for a parent to hear that his or her child speaks or acts in hurtful ways; doesn’t stick to school rules; constantly misbehaves in class or is simply self-centred or anti-social. Bad news needs to be delivered sensitively and skilfully, particularly if you want to ensure parents take on board what you have to say, and join you in searching for solutions to any problems presented.

One of the most challenging situations for teachers is when parents deny that their child could possibly behave in ways that you are suggesting. “My child would never do that!” is the type of statement that increasingly teachers and school leaders hear. This type of flat-out denial can defeat your best intentions, and also damage the relationship that you have with a parent.

How You Say it Matters

Delivering news that parents don’t want to hear takes considerable sensitivity, skill and expertise. In many ways, your success will depend more on how you deliver your message rather than in the message itself. Here are some ideas to help you successfully have difficult conversations with parents so you stay solution-focused and avoid parent denial and defensiveness:

1. Attend to the person first.

One of the simplest ways ensure that you successfully work with parents is to attend to their immediate needs at the start of a meeting. Thank them for coming along and showing their willingness to work with you in the best interests of their child. Make sure there is water on hand; that they 54 are comfortably seated and that they are relaxed and ready for a conversation.

2. Find out what parents know.

Before proceeding with your take on the situation ask the parent or carer to tell you what they know about the issue that you’ll be discussing. It can be a specific lead in such as, “Thanks for coming to this meeting. We’re here to discuss some problems that we’ve encountered with your daughter in the playground recently. What do you know about it? What has she told you?”

Alternatively, it can be a more general question such as “We’ve some concerns about your son’s classroom behaviour. What have you noticed at home about his behaviour?”

Discovering what parents know and think about a situation or issue should guide how you proceed. You may find that a parent knows very little or, in fact, their child has mixed the facts up when telling his mother a story. There’s a great deal to discover when you give parents a chance to tell you what they know.

3. Let the proof do the work.

Prior to the meeting gather proof: in the form of a written report, an oral example or a work sample. This will reinforce what you will be talking about. Produce the proof rather than make accusations. Avoid using generalisations such as “Your child is always late,” or “He never hands in work in on time,” as they are easily dismissed. Instead talk about specific times when he has been late or refer to occasions when a child hasn’t handed work in on time. A parent may counter these examples with an excuse but you are in a position to counter one excuse at a time rather than manage a blanket denial.

Replace value-laden words such as ‘cheating’ and ‘lying’ with neutral alternatives such as ‘copying’ and ‘misleading.’ Similarly, avoid attaching a label to a child such as ‘lazy’ or ‘difficult.’ Instead discuss specific, observable behaviours such as an ‘unwillingness to work hard’ or ‘interruptions you when you speak.”

4. Allow parents to discover news for themselves.

Avoid speaking straight to a parent’s face when you are delivering the news they don’t want to hear as this can cause them to shut down or be argumentative. Instead push the proof to the side, either literally: that is, hold a report to the side while you both refer to it, or figuratively: that is, point to the side when you talk about a child’s poor behaviour so that it exists externally to the parent. You need to look to the side where the report or poor behaviour lay so the parent can discover the difficult news for themselves. Make eye contact with the parent or parents only when they are ready to discuss ways to resolve or improve outcomes. If they continue to deny the problem then keep pointing to and looking at the proof while saying something like, “There’s the proof. That’s what we’ve discovered.”

5. Point to the future.

Your non-verbals are important. Having established a place where past poor behaviour or academic performance lay, point to a different place to indicate the future. Then lead the discussion about plans for better behaviour or academic behaviour in the future. Use your hands and eyes to point toward a better future, which helps to release parents from being stuck in the past. The use of non-verbals in this way is highly sophisticated, takes practice but can mean the difference between becoming bogged down by parent defensiveness and getting your point across, and importantly holding a joint discussion about achieving better outcomes for the student.This is an extract from a video learning handout available to teachers in Parenting Ideas Schools membership. Our Professional Learning section contains videos and handouts to help teachers in a variety of challenging parent situations including working with angry, bullying, and anxious parents. Find out how your school can become a member at Parentingideas.com.au/schools.

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Michael Grose


Author, columnist and presenter Michael Grose currently supports over 1,100 schools in Australia, New Zealand and England in engaging and supporting their parent communities. He is also the director of Parentingideas, Australia’s leader in parenting education resources and support for schools. In 2010 Michael spoke at the prestigious Headmaster’s Conference in England, the British International Schools Conference in Madrid, and the Heads of Independent Schools Conference in Australia, showing school leadership teams how to move beyond partnership-building to create real parent-school communities. For bookings, parenting resources for schools and Michael’s famous Free Chores & Responsibilities Guide for Kids, go to www. parentingideas.com.au.