Have you become a Pushover Teacher?
In today’s world it is more and more difficult to hold a line and expect people to meet it.
Have you noticed the traffic lights take longer to change? People are running not only the orange but also the red lights. In order to prevent an accident, the lights take longer and longer to change – all because our society has decided to not hold the line and demand that what is right ought to be done.
Educators of all ages, along with parents, community leaders, police, nurses, and medical staff have long been held up as the back bone of our society and supporters of the limits in which we as a society thrive. Now, however, more and more frequently these stalwarts are being challenged in their day to day jobs, in the media and in the courts.
We know the impact of not maintaining rules and boundaries. Specific research has looked at the impact of overindulgence on children. When a child has been allowed to overindulge, look for these signs:
They have trouble learning delayed gratification and giving up being the centre of attention, trouble being competent in every day skills, self-care skills and skills relating to others, trouble taking personal responsibility and developing a sense of personal identity, as well as trouble knowing what is enough and what is “normal” for others.
We all know adults, children and teens who meet this description. We may even recognise this in ourselves.
Why does it happen?
It comes from a good heart, it is all around us and it is unintentional.
We are all wanting to do the best for our children, we are living in a culture of overindulgence and so it is hard to change. No one gets up in the morning and plans to hurt their children or other people. Yet the impact is all around us in the unintended messages children hear, such as:
· Don’t grow up!
· Don’t be who you are.
· Don’t be capable – let someone else help you.
· Don’t think for yourself.
· It is not okay to say no.
· You can break any boundaries.
· You can’t say what you need.
The societal impacts that come to mind are our poverty gap, the high suicide and anxiety rates, the obesity epidemic, the alcohol/drug problems in New Zealand, and children “needing” the latest of everything and then not being satisfied when more and more is provided.
Through training in organisational development, I came across the work of a Minneapolis woman, Jean Illsley Clarke, who has researched this matter with two colleagues over a number of years. They have written the book, “How Much is too Much?” After studying with Jean, and returning to NZ in 2013, I have noted the patterns seen as many of these problems mentioned above connect to one another. I submit that they are all connected to overindulgence as well.
I think of the old adage – “The personal is the political.” Because we are up against a tsunami of expectations to overindulge you may find it harder and harder to hold the line as a teacher.
Consider this mash up of quotes recently from a reporter:
“You have never been told no because I want to be your friend…let me give you a trophy because you signed up to play soccer even though you never come to practice, only games…I’m not going to give you a grade on this test because I don’t want you to think you’re a failure, even though you don’t study…I cannot tell you what you cannot post on social media because you have freedom of speech…you won’t be held accountable at school because your parents will come and yell at the teacher, I won’t push you to perform because that will make you anxious.”
So, if you are thinking that you have been caught in the trap, firstly well done for noticing and secondly there is something you can do to be different.
If you have been a pushover teacher, there are four questions to ask yourself that will help you know if you may have been overindulging:
1. Does the situation hinder the child from learning the task that supports his or her development and learning at this age?
2. Does the situation give a disproportionate amount of classroom resources to one or more of the children – including money, space, time, energy, attention and psychic input?
3. Does this situation exist to benefit the teacher more than the child?
4. Does the child’s behaviour potentially harm others, society, or the planet in some way?
If you say yes to any of the questions the suggestion is that you may have been overindulging.
So what to do?
1. Ideas for changing old behaviours and attitudes.
a) Pick one attitude or behaviour to change at a time. Only one. Stay underwhelmed.
b) List all the ways life would be better for this child, and for you, if you were to change that single attitude or behaviour.
c) List the disadvantages to changing. Everything from “This child will throw more tantrums” to “This child may not like me” to “I’ve not a clue what to do instead.”
d) Make a decision to change.
e) Describe your new attitude or behaviour by turning around the old one in words that make sense to you. “I allow my student to get away with things” might become “I do not allow my student to get away with things.” Or, “I hold my student responsible for their behaviour.” Say it aloud five times morning and night. Post it on the mirror, on the dashboard of the car, or in your wallet.
f) In the morning think of one little way to act on your new attitude or one small way to behave in a new way that day and do it.
g) When you are ready, choose one big way to act on it each week and do it. Get help if you need it.
h) If you fall back, congratulate yourself for being on the journey. No beating yourself up.
i) When you notice a positive shift in your own attitude and behaviour, celebrate. When you notice a positive shift in a child’s behaviour or attitude, celebrate, but don’t overindulge.
j) Go back over the list and notice how many other ways things have changed in a positive way. Celebrate.
2. Keep a list of things to say when your students try to push you back into the old ways. Here is a starter list:
· I’m the teacher and ultimately I make the decisions.
· Why do you have to do that? I’m your teacher and having you do that is my job.
· I’m the teacher and I said no.
· Teaching is not a popularity contest. I’m not here to be your friend. I’m here to educate you.
· Adversity and frustration are an inevitable part of life. You’ll get used to it: just make sure you keep trying.
· This is a classroom and we all need to pitch in.
· Classroom members help other.
Keep going and don’t give up. You matter, and you will be a stronger teacher for making these changes to your everyday life. Hold the line.
