COMBATING DEFENSIVENESS NON-VERBALLY
As all children do, my daughter would test her limits from time to time. When we tried to correct certain behaviours, she would get defensive. It didn’t take me long to notice that reasoning with her when she was defensive was a near impossible task. I had to wait for her to be in the right state to receive feedback. The same is true for students, fellow teachers, and parents who need feedback in order to grow professionally.
However, feedback can cause defensiveness in the recipient if it seems critical, negative, or volatile. Luckily, there is a way to give accurate, straight-forward feedback on even the most sensitive issues without the danger that the student or adult will shut down emotionally and intellectually, thus missing the value of our feedback.
The secret is to separate our “position” from our “person” by representing volatile information visually. By being systematic with our eye contact—eyes on visual feedback to communicate from our position, eyes on the person’s face for the relationship, we make the separation clear to the recipient.
Here are specifics of the process for giving feedback effectively.
1. Have the paper in front of the recipient.
Put the paper in front of the recipient so it is easier for the recipient to read.
2. Sit with your dominant hand closest to the recipient.
With the hand closest to the recipient, point to the paper.
3. Co-ordinate your eyes and hand when transitioning from eye contact to looking at the paper.
Since the recipient will follow your eyes, keep your eyes and hand in sync as you gesture towards the paper to encourage the recipient to look at it.
4. When looking at the recipient, use a friendly, approachable voice to elicit input and collaboration.
Your voice will have more lilt and friendliness if you move your head up and down as you speak and gesture with your palms up.
5. When looking at the paper, use a more business-like, credible voice to show that the information is not open to negotiation.
Your voice will have quiet authority if you keep your head still and gesture with your palms down.
6. Pause when looking at the paper.
When communicating volatile information, the pause increases the importance, vehemence and seriousness of the message.
7. Offer assistance.
Continue to look at the paper until the recipient grasps the need to change. Then you have the option of shifting back to eye contact and offering assistance. For example, “How can I assist you…? What resources do you need as you make these [look back at the paper as you finish this sentence] required changes?”
When we give feedback effectively, the recipient will gain the full value of our information without the defensiveness that can come with sensitive topics. They will understand when you are communicating from your position versus communicating from your relationship through the subtle changes in your non-verbal language.