Part One
Broken down to the essentials, there are two methods we use to grow our children. One is nurturing and the other is empowering.
If you plant a seed, water it each day, give it lots of light, and nurture it until it’s mature enough; it can then be transplanted outside. Likewise, when you nurture your children, you love them, care for them and help them grow until they are ready to go out into the big wide world – that’s what nurturing means.
Empower means ‘give power or authority to’, and refers to helping someone realise his or her abilities and potential.
So, in parenting, nurturing is about the preparation phase and empowering is about the releasing phase. Setting up and releasing your yadult into independence takes years, and parents are continually discovering that what worked yesterday isn’t as effective or applicable today. Parents sometimes struggle with knowing when to ease off and let their yadults experience the realities of life.
Here are two styles of problematic parenting brilliantly told by the parents themselves. You can read about the other four styles in Part two which will be in the next edition of Teachers Matter magazine.
Style 1 – Indulgent parent
The indulgent parent is a servant and a banker. They run around after their yadults as well as financially bankrolling them. Additionally, this type of parent protects their child from the consequences of mistakes. Because they feel responsible for keeping them from all suffering, a co- dependent relationship is formed where the parent over-provides (making the parent feel needed or important) and the yadult willingly takes, developing a huge sense of entitlement with little or no understanding of the value of people or things.
Vicky’s story
Vicky tells the honest story of how she diagnosed and ramped up her parenting style:
I often lavished and overindulged my kids with buying them things, paying for what they wanted, and bailing them out of their debt. The children took me for granted and disrespected me because they thought, ‘Mum will help me out.’ It was almost as if I owed it to them! I tended to be a rescuer and couldn’t bear to see my kids unhappy. I felt mean when I said no, so to please them and gain favour, I would always give in. Unfortunately that caused a negative downward spiral as they just kept wanting and expecting more. My husband got frustrated with me for pandering to the kids, and this caused stress in our relationship. Naturally, the kids knew I was a soft touch, and always came to me for the things they wanted. As a result, I was spending money hand over fist – and eventually I started hiding the amounts from my husband.
It took my son going on Miomo (www. miomo.com) for me to realise how dysfunctional our family had become. I connected the dots and understood that the more I gave, the more disrespectful he became. At first I felt affronted by hearing that I was ‘killing my kids with kindness’. It took me a while to fully appreciate what was going on and to understand what ‘normal’ looked like. I began to watch my responses to my son’s demands and this gave me the strength to say no. I told him that it was time he learned to stand on his own two feet and that I would no longer pay his way. He had a huge cell phone debt, which I had allowed him to clock up because I had pretty much given him free rein and was paying his cell phone bill. I made him pay it back.
On the Miomo programme he learned about responsibility, and he started to see that he needed to change his attitude and behaviour if he was going to make it in the real world. After he came home from Miomo, I stopped doing his washing and cooking his meals (he is vegetarian and it’s a hassle to cook two meals each day). He didn’t like the ‘new rules’ at first and the transition was difficult, but he pretty much looks after himself now. I can see that he actually feels good about taking more control over his life. Sometimes I buy him clothes or a meal, but it’s no longer expected – it’s my choice and a pleasure to do. I applied the same principles to my daughter, who also learned to accept ‘the new deal’.
In the past, I showered my kids with whatever they wanted because I loved to see them happy, but I now realise that that kind of happiness doesn’t last. I was harming them by giving them a false understanding of the real world. Our whole family dynamic has changed for the better. The kids respect my husband and me a lot more as a result of us laying down firmer boundaries and guidelines and making the expectations clear.
Compensating parent
The compensating parent feels a deep need to make up for some kind of loss or trauma that either the parent or the child has experienced.
Robyn’s story
Robyn suffered neglect and abandonment as a child and she wanted to provide a different life for her two boys. She tells her story:
My mother had me when she was 16 and due to the stigma associated with being an unmarried mum in the 1960s, I lived with my grandparents until I was six. Mum suffered from severe depression and was a heavy drinker. My father avoided the house at all costs, choosing to work rather than be part of our lives. Those first years with my grandparents were idyllic and I was resentful and sad at the thought of having to return to live with a mother and father I hardly knew. Not long after I moved back home, when my brother was six months old, my father left. At first this was a relief as the screaming, fighting and chaos came to an end.
Within a year of meeting my stepfather, my mother was pregnant again and my second brother was born. After that, life became unbearable. Suffering from severe postnatal depression and drinking heavily, my mother would fluctuate between states of anger, violence and self-harm, twice attempting suicide. She hated her new baby and I resented him too.
This pattern continued for the next six years. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me – in fact the opposite. My childhood taught me amazing life skills, gave me incredible strength and resilience, and the drive to succeed – but it robbed me of spontaneity, passion and fun. I paid a high price for having to grow up so quickly. I was never able to be a child – to experience carefree days or have wonderful times and memories to look back on.
My childhood shaped my parenting, both good and bad. I have two amazing boys, and they are my world. I made a promise when my eldest was born:
‘I will never allow my children to face the challenges and hardships I faced, I will ensure that they live a carefree life, filled
with joy, laughter, abundance and fun, they will feel safe and loved and nurtured, they will want for nothing and they will never know physical or mental cruelty.’
A noble promise, but one I now realise I cannot and should not keep. I have succeeded in ensuring that my boys have lived a sheltered life. They have never had to deal with real hardships, they have been indulged, have never had to shoulder responsibility, do chores or want for anything. But, in keeping this promise I have deprived them of all that was good about my childhood. I have failed to teach them the life skills they need to transition from child to adult. At 17 my son is a good boy, but he is not yet a man. He can’t yet cook, clean a home, budget, or plan; he can’t take responsibility for his future. I haven’t prepared him for real life. He’s been living in a bubble where life is always fair, good and kind. He hasn’t faced hardships or learnt the difficult lessons, and he hasn’t yet had the opportunity to triumph over those adversities that mature us into successful adults and good parents.
I’ve reached a turning point in my life. I realise that I need to make a new promise to myself and to my sons:
‘I promise to expose you to the challenges of real life, to educate and equip you with the skills you are going to need to grow and transition into amazing men, fathers, husbands and leaders of your generation. I am sure I will continue to indulge you with love but you will have to put in more sweat and tears to earn those allowances. I will hold you accountable for your decisions and your behaviour and together we will work as a family to overcome the challenges we face.’
Footnote to this story: In the two years that followed, Robyn applied the principles she learned about how to parent yadults. Her eldest son is now in his second year at university and is living independently in a flat. He has a part time job tutoring and takes care of all his personal expenses, including transport, clothing, entertainment and the running of his car. He is fortunate to have his rent and food paid for from a trust that was left to him by his late father.