Parents beware – allowing your child to walk to the shops or catch the bus unaccompanied may result in you being reported to child protective services. As countless recently reported cases prove, parents who fail to protect their children at all times run the risk of being branded negligent.
As someone who grew up in the ‘play outside till the streetlights come on’ era, I find this trend both fascinating and bizarre in equal measure. After all, despite the picture portrayed in current affairs programmes of modern society being one where crime, abuse and violence are rife, the data is clear – our society is actually a safer place for children than it was in 1975. Reflecting on both current research and my personal observations, I am firmly of the belief that the pendulum on child protection has swung too far in the nurturing direction. We often talk about the bubble-wrap kids and helicopter parents with a wry smile and a dismissive chuckle, but simply because something is common, this does not mean it is normal (or constructive).
A number of years ago I came across an insightful quote from American political figure Ivy Baker Priest who in reflecting on her own childhood stated:
My father had always said that there are four things a child needs – plenty of love, nourishing food, regular sleep, and lots of soap and water – and after those, what they need most is some intelligent neglect.
Drawing on over 5 years of talking with ‘neglectful parents’ who fear they are doing their children a disservice because they are out of step with the more over-protective child rearing attitudes in modern society, I felt it was time to speak up on their behalf.
Naturally, I would never espouse neglectful parenting in the absent or abusive sense. Similarly, I am not condoning a return to the inexcusably harsh, mean-spirited or emotionally austere parenting days of old where the focus was on raising ‘tough’ kids who would be able to face the world with a stoic resolve.
Rather, the type of neglect I aim to affirm below is of the intelligent type – a neglect that is based on a commitment to 5 core values:
1. Emphasising the collective over the individual
In his book Grown Up Digital, Don Tapscott highlights a dramatic shift in the place children occupy in a family unit. He contrasts the power-dynamic of families that existed when baby boomers were children (figure 8.1) with the structure of families in our modern age (figure 8.2). As the diagram reflects, there has been a dramatic shift away from seeing children as a part of the family, to that of being the centre of the family.
Prof. Jean Twenge from San Diego State University explored how this shift is being expressed practically in families. She describes how modern parents begin asking children their preferences even before the child can answer and points to the trend of parents who would never dream of making a single decision for their child without first asking what the child wants. Twenge argues that this results in children coming to believe that their wants are the most important.”
This is, of course, a far cry from the ‘be seen and not heard’ days where children fitted in around the parent’s lives and not vice versa.
Intelligently neglectful parents recognise that while a child is a precious and valuable member of the family, he or she is not the centre of the family as a collective. Furthermore, they acknowledge that while a child may have preferences and desires, these preferences and desires are no more or less important than anybody else’s.
In this way, intelligently neglectful parents realise that their child may be disappointed, upset or even downright incensed by a failure to have their desires and preferences met at every point – but that this is important preparation for an adult world where not getting one’s own way is an unavoidable reality.
2. The value of saying ‘no’
Once of the trends that I have found fascinating to watch evolve in recent years is that of parents who feel a pressure to be their child’s best friend. Naturally, this parental popularity contest often results in one very powerful world dropping off the radar – ‘no’.
In his book No; Why kids of all ages need to hear it and parents can say it, Dr David Walsh argues that saying no at the right times, in the right way and for the right reasons is critical for the character development and even the emotional security of adolescents. Intelligently neglectful parents realise this and so are willing to risk the short term resentment and silent treatment of their child when the answer needs to be ‘no’.
3. The importance of experiencing the full spectrum of life’s emotions
While the desire to protect children from the darker sides of life is an important
and natural parenting instinct, intelligently neglectful parents realise that sugar coating life by removing the exposure to all negative emotions will do a child few favours in the long run.
Furthermore, they realise that the 3 negative emotions that all children must experience if they are to have a holistic understanding of real life include:
a. Boredom
Intelligently neglectful parents recognise that it is important that kids and teens experience boredom and learn that it won’t kill them.
After all, boredom has a unique ability to force the human brain to invent, create or even simply meditate on the deeper issues of life.
b. Risk/Danger
While few parents would willingly expose their children to danger, intelligently neglectful parents recognise that removing all risk and danger from a child’s life invariably does more harm than good. Reflecting on this fact, Lenore Skenazy in her book Free Range Kids describes how children who aren’t allowed to take any risks turn out to be less safe than those who do!
c. Disappointment
Resisting the pressure to place a toy between every wrapper of paper when preparing a ‘pass the parcel’ game for a child’s birthday party, intelligently neglectful parents recognise that sometimes in life you will face disappointment and that hiding this fact is futile. In the same way, intelligently neglectful schools and teachers are beginning to realise that giving every runner in the race a ribbon does little more than de-value achievement and promote mediocrity.
4. Character development rather than confidence
Since the early 1980’s, self esteem has been a key area of focus in parenting and educational circles. Reflecting on the more negative aspects of this trend, principal of Sydney’s Barker College, Dr Rod Kefford suggested recently that from the 1970s onwards, teachers were prohibited from doing anything that would harm the
supposedly fragile self esteem of students. He goes on to suggest that this has come at the cost of character formation saying, “If we are serious about building resilience, we have to let young people fail. It is only through our failings that we learn anything.”
A number of months ago I wrote an article entitled The Dark Side of Self Esteem which explored some of the unintended consequences of focusing on building confidence in young people at the expense of fostering character and self-driven resilience. These included increases in depression, apathy, narcissism and dependence in young people.
Intelligently neglectful parents recognise these dangers and focus on affirming not simply who a child is, but also what he or she does. In linking reward and affirmation to achievement and effort, these parents help their children build a lasting self- confidence and well-grounded character.
5. An eagerness to encourage but a reluctance to rescue
I recently heard it said that the greatest gift you can give a young person is a high expectation of their abilities. Intelligently neglectful parents know this to be true. As such, they will always give encouragement, support and coaching – while at the same time being unwilling to step in and rescue a child from circumstances or consequences.
Such a perspective reminds me of the story I heard years ago of the dangers of helping a bird break free of its egg during the hatching process. While we as humans may feel compelled to help the struggling bird, the very act of offering assistance prevents the bird from thriving or surviving once it is out in the real world. There is something in the struggle that prepares the bird for life and the removal of this struggle actually does far more harm than good.
Intelligently neglectful parents recognise that a similar dynamic exists in humans and will readily cheer long and loud from the sidelines but will resist every urge to step into the ring and fight battles on their child’s behalf.
While protection and nurture are perfectly natural parental instincts, I agree wholeheartedly with Ivy Baker Priest – intelligent neglect is critically important in parent-child relationships. My hope is that this vote of confidence is an encouragement to the countless thousands of intelligently neglectful parents who often fear they are on the wrong track. Both I and the weight of all the current research is on your side – keep up the good work!