5 ways to recognise resilience

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When describing a resilient child you might say:

1. They have a strengths focus. This means that they know what their strengths are and how to use them. There are many websites where one can find out what your strengths are but when I teach this to children, I like to add affirmation to it by getting each child to stand up and have the rest of the class volunteer what they think that child’s strengths are. I do this after I have taught them about strengths and why a strengths focus is important and then I use the VIA character strengths which I have printed on cards to give them some ideas on what sorts of things might be strengths.

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A fun thing to do after the class has affirmed each child, is to give each child 3 strips of paper to decorate as they please and on each one they write one of their strengths – preferably one that resonated strongly for them when the other children mentioned it. Once they have done that, I turn it into a paper chain containing 3 of each child’s strengths – usually that results in a paper chain that spans the room. That then gets hung up in the classroom so that children can see it and be reminded regularly of their strengths as an individual and also as a class.

2. They can connect with others and know who their resources are. Children who are resilient have people around them who build them up and help them grow. They know who these people are and they know that they can go to these people for help in times of adversity. I use a profiling tool to help children figure out their resilience resources but it’s quite easy to explain to children the need for connecting with others by using a simple visual exercise. Using a ball of wool, the first child holds the end of the wool and says one of their strengths. They then keep hold of their bit of wool but toss the ball to someone else (not next to them). That child then does the same and so on. By the end, a web will have been created. I then explain how spider webs are one of the strongest materials that exist and then use that to illustrate how connecting with others, using their strengths, makes them a lot stronger than if they were trying to deal with things alone.

3. They know that their thoughts create their feelings and that they have the power to change their thoughts. Children often think that something “makes” them upset. They don’t realise that different people can all experience the same event but feel quite different about it. Some simple teaching on “what would you have to think to make yourself feel like…..” is very helpful in this regard. Once they have some basic vocabulary on different feelings and what kinds of thoughts create those feelings, it is relatively easy to start asking them what they could think instead that might help them feel a little better. There are heaps of resources online that delve into CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) for children; however it is very important that the child knows that their feeling is ok and is a natural consequence of whatever they have been thinking about whatever has happened, but that they are not powerless against their feelings. Sometimes negative emotions are appropriate and sometimes they aren’t. A resilient child is one who is becoming more self aware in this regard.

 4. They know the difference between an optimistic attitude and a pessimistic one. They may not necessarily know those words but a resilient child will be able to recognise pessimistic thinking and know that it is not helpful. I like to teach children the difference between optimism and pessimism using extreme examples but then explain that we are not aiming for total optimism but rather a balance somewhere in the middle. There are some great resources written by Martin Seligman on this subject, if one wants to take it to a deeper level. I find that simply teaching children the words and what each would look like already makes them more aware of their own level of optimism and pessimism and in an environment where they are reminded of this frequently, they can quite easily adjust their attitude to reflect a bit more positivity.

5. Finally, a resilient child has some tools at their disposal for problem-solving. A child who has no problem-solving tools often feels powerless to do anything about their problem, therefore it is good to teach them some skills such as how to figure out what they were expecting, what actually happened and how they can work toward an action plan that will STOP something from happening so that they get less of what they don’t want, START something that will help them get more of what they do want and KEEP whatever is already working well. Again there are many resources online for this. My preference is to teach children how to set goals that are realistic – in other words ones that are allowing them to change what they can change and cope with what they can’t change.

Resilience is an important life skill for children to learn because resilient children become resilient adults and resilient adults generally have better mental health. It is so easy to teach, if we know what we are doing, but the most important thing to remember is that children learn more from modelling than they do from lecturing. We can’t expect to help children become more resilient if we ourselves are displaying un-resilient behaviour regularly. I find that some open honesty with children about these things being a life-long development really helps build trust and create a journey that is done together for a season… usually one that reaps precious rewards.

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Sharon Du Preez


Sharon lives in New Zealand and is an immigrant from South Africa. She is married with two teenage children. She has a degree in psychological counselling, a diploma in life coaching and has a special interest in resilience training and mentoring of both adults and children. She works with groups and individuals along with her colleague, John Turto.