Good news and bad news for people being bullied

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Are any of your students being bullied? If so, I have good news and bad news. Let us start with the bad news: be careful about how you break this to them, but they are responsible.

Yes, I know, that sounds bad and, to be fair, it is the bad news. But let me explain:

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Most people tend to think that when someone is bullied, the person doing the bullying is responsible and should be encouraged to stop. The school is rung, the situation discussed, the bully reprimanded, the person being bullied (I find the term ‘victim’ so misleading, as they are just as responsible as the person doing the bullying) is given counselling, parents are notified and then everyone prays that it will stop.

I do admit that the bully has their part of responsibility in the affair and I could write a whole article about why they are bullies; about the lack of self worth which pushes bullies to make others feel less good, thereby artificially increasing their own status; about the power that bullies crave which leads them to bully (and helping bullies who want to stop is a part of what I do – it just doesn’t often happen) and why they crave that power (but then again, why do governments crave power? Or big corporates? Or anyone for that matter?). However in this article I would like to focus on the person being bullied and their part of the responsibility.

If you have ever been surrounded by a group of children or teenagers, you will not have missed how they speak to each other. “You’re fat!” “You’re stupid!” They are constantly pointing out (usually negative) things about other people. Things which adults have learned not to comment on – at least not in the presence of the person being criticised. “La vérité sort de la bouche des enfants” (truth comes out of children’s mouths) is a maxim I heard a lot growing up and with four children, I can verify its dependability – independently of whether or not that truth could hurt the other or not.

So why do some start being called names more often? Is it really because they ARE fat, stupid, slow, disabled etc? To start looking for an answer, let us ask the question the other way around: Are there any children who are fat, stupid, slow, handicapped etc. who are NOT picked on and/or bullied? I’m not sure about your group of youngsters, but I have seen my fair share. So what is it? Why are some bullied and not others?

That’s where the good news comes in: They are responsible.

If they are responsible, they have the power to do something about it. They can influence whether or not they are bullied, or stop it if it is happening. A lot of people think that they can stop being bullied by learning to fight. Though this is often true, the actual reason is not that they now know how to defend themselves. The key to understanding why they are being bullied is to look at their reaction.

When someone says to you, “You’re so fat!” your reaction will dictate whether or not they have any power over you and your reactions. Can they influence how you feel and how you (re)act just using words and body language? If so, they will continue doing it, because they crave that power. They crave the ability to make you feel bad, so they feel good. It gives them a sense of self worth. But you can take that power away by changing your reaction. It is possible to learn to control one’s reactions and one’s actions. When you do, the bully loses their control over you and therefore leaves you alone.

This is actually what happens when someone learns to fight: They become surer of themselves and therefore react differently. However they do not need to spend 1-2 years learning to fight before the bullying can stop. They can change their reactions in a few weeks, if not less. They may need to get some specialised, independent help in understanding what their reactions currently are and how they can change them (this is a part of what I do), but it is possible. I have seen it happen many a time.

So if you notice that any of your students are being bullied and they would like it to stop (believe it or not, some people are not ready to stop being bullied), there are several steps you can take:

Check out the website www.knowthesigns. co.nz which has a lot of very useful information about how to deal with bullying.

Encourage the person being bullied to take responsibility for their situation, examine and alter their reactions to ensure they are not giving the bully power.

If they cannot do this alone (it is usually very difficult alone), contact (or even better, have the child or their parents contact) an outside agent who can work with the child and help them understand how they are currently reacting, why that is leading to the bullying and how they can react differently.

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Kanuka Simpson


Kanuka has been mentoring for 20 years and is now watching his children grow up, noticing how they are never scared about anything until they learn that they should be. If you would like more information about him and the work he does with young people, including helping them take the power back from bullies, check out his website: www.KanukaSimpson.com