What is an assumption? The dictionary definition is – a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.
The emphasis here needs to be on the words ‘without proof’. Assumptions are the bridge that we create in our minds, to span the gap of knowledge, when we have no information to fill that gap. We make assumptions often because we are afraid to seek clarification. There are details missing, so we make assumptions. Then we believe those assumptions and we defend those assumptions – as if they were fact. It is amazing how many of us believe in our assumptions as the absolute truth. But not all assumptions are bad. For example if you are in traffic and you see a truck pulling out, it is good and safe to assume that he hasn’t seen you, and you in turn slow down. The problem is, many of our assumptions are negative and we let them rule us.
Imagine you are in the mall and you see someone across the way, someone you haven’t seen for a long, long time. You call their name and wave. They look up; see you, smile and wave back. So you head in their direction, excited to catch up. They see you coming; they turn around and walk in the opposite direction. You will make assumptions at that point. You will believe you know what went through their head, you will believe that assumption and you will allow that assumption to affect you emotionally.
But that is crazy. You cannot know what was happening in the other person’s mind, or in their world. They could have been late for an appointment, received some bad news on the phone, perhaps they are even embarrassed to meet you because they think they have either aged badly, put on weight or will be judged in some other way – by you.
We often believe we know what others are thinking. Take some of these statements – do any resonate with you, have you heard yourself thinking these things?
“You don’t really mean that”
“You’re only saying that”
“Deep down I know she doesn’t like me”
“He ignored me on purpose”
“He did that, just to get at me”
“They are trying to get rid of me”
There are so many statements that we use, that are full of assumptions, not facts. The problem is, we allow those assumptions, those details that we have in fact made up, and we allow them to affect us. We feel aggrieved, angry, hurt, sad, depressed, and annoyed – all because we have filled in the gaps, we have built a bridge of assumption and we turn that assumption into fact, in our own heads. Assumptions can actually stop us and get in the way of us achieving our goals – creating a self limiting belief.
Our thinking, our mind, who we are, comes from all our experiences, values, beliefs and life learnings along the way, and everybody thinks differently. It’s like an iceberg. You can only see the tip of the iceberg, and there is so much more under the water. The same for people. We only ever see the tip of iceberg, because we don’t know what that person’s experiences, values, beliefs and lifelong learnings are – we just think we do. If we often make assumptions about what other people are thinking, we are more likely to come into a conversation or relationship, on the defensive – ready to attack, prepared for battle.
Imagine a teenage girl texts her boyfriend “can you come round tonight?” The boyfriend replies, “Sorry, I’m busy”. You can be assured that she will create assumptions about that response. In fact, she probably will create an entire fantasy about that conversation – out of fear. She is afraid to seek clarification in case her boyfriend gets annoyed, she’s afraid that he might think she doesn’t trust him, she is afraid of getting hurt – so she fills the gap of knowledge with her home-made bridge of assumption. The problem is, she will then talk to her friends about what ‘he’ did, what ‘he’ is most likely up to – and that assumption becomes a major obstacle in their relationship.
Assumptions create expectations – both good and bad. If you expect and believe you are going to succeed, you are more likely to achieve success. If, on the other hand, you expect and believe you will fail – well guess what? Chances are, you will. Assumptions can easily create suspicion and frustration. Imagine a workplace is going through change, but the reason for the change, the process of change, hasn’t been communicated to staff. So some staff fill in the gaps with assumptions and share those with others, who believe those assumptions as facts. Can you see where this will end up?
So how can we avoid making too many assumptions? All change starts with opening our eyes and our mind so that assumptions don’t become etched in our belief system. In truth we can never eliminate assumptions – it is our mind quickly filling the gaps and it is part of our decision making process.
What we can do is become aware of our assumptions that we are making and question them and challenge them. Is what I am thinking, based on fact? How do I know? Becoming intentional with your thinking takes practice, takes effort and is harder than just defaulting to our assumptions and judgements. What you will find though, is when you can become intentional with your thinking – life becomes a whole lot easier. You reduce the amount of assumptions you make, therefore you reduce possible communication problems, conflict and uncertainty. Develop the habit of constantly questioning what you believe is true.
If you don’t know – clarify. If you are afraid to clarify, then stop worrying and thinking about what you don’t know.
So it’s time to see and hear things as they are. Not as you perceive them to be.