When faced with behaviours that are challenging in the classroom, we often despair and chastise. These choices are our best attempt to get what we want. We may want to try and make the child behave better, or to control the situation, or for the child to feel guilty and comply.
Our use of Glasser’s Seven Disconnecting Habits of Nagging, Complaining, Criticising, Blaming, Threatening, Punishing and Bribing are entrenched habits in our repertoire of ways to get that compliance.
My question is where does the power to change come from? Does it come from within the child or can external controls work. Sure they may work in the short term and for some children, however they are destructive to the relationship that we can have with the child. They impact on children in ways that are far reaching.
There is a lot of evidence that the relationship makes a difference. We have the choice of controlling the behaviours and continue to destroy any possibility to influence the child.
As teachers we need to think about what it is that we really want? Do we want children who are constantly in protection mode or do we want them in growth mode? Constant use of the Seven Disconnecting Habits is more likely to have children staying in protection mode.
On the other hand, Glasser’s Seven Connecting Habits build trust and relationships. Listening, Encouraging, Appreciating, Respecting, Negotiating Differences, Supporting and Trusting (Learn St.) has children in growth mode. Isn’t this what we want?
This is not an easy transition for some because they are correctly labelled as habits. They can easily become our ‘default’ or ‘go-to’ behaviours. We can use them unconsciously.
Becoming aware of them is the first step. Every time you use a disconnecting habit remind yourself of what it does to relationships. Even the slightest criticism has been known to have family members falling out for years.
Become aware of what you really want when you use these behaviours. Ask yourself this magic question from Nancy Buck. “What is it that I really want that I am trying to get by criticising this child?”
Self awareness and self evaluation brings you to a place where you can eliminate or delete these destructive behaviours.
But the interesting thing is that with behaviour we can’t just delete the behaviours. We need to upload new behaviours as replacement behaviours. The great thing about the Connecting Habits is that they are the replacement behaviours.
In thinking about our child with the challenging behaviours, it is the same for him or her. We can’t just ask anyone to stop particular behaviours; rather we need to teach them replacement behaviours. They need to upload the more productive behaviours and practise them, putting them into their chosen behaviours as ways to get what they want.
All behaviours are purposeful and as such the choices that children make in our classrooms are aimed at getting what they want which will be needs satisfying at that time. Our job as teachers is to teach them better ways to get what they want using responsible behaviours that do not take away for the needs of others.
