Retraining your inner critic


“You are a great wizard. You can use your powers to practice white magic on yourself instead of the other kind. The most basic way to do that is to concentrate on naming, savouring, and feeling gratitude for the blessings you do have – your love for your kid, the pleasures of eating the food you like, the sight of the sky at dusk, the entertaining drama of your unique fate. Don’t ignore the bad stuff, but make a point of celebrating the beautiful stuff with all the exuberant devotion you can muster.” Rob Brezsny If your inner critic is keeping you from the joyful life you want, here’s a sure-fire strategy to retrain it. Research shows that feeling gratitude transforms our biology and our moods by flooding us with oxytocin and creating more oxytocin receptors, among other changes. Gratitude can actually change our happiness set-point, which is our usual
happiness level. Naturally, all those good feelings make us more compassionate parents. Here’s how to use gratitude to name your inner critic:

1. Daily gratitude practice. Every morning, train yourself to find at least three things to be grateful for. Make it part of your morning ritual, so that you remember to do it – as you brush your teeth, nurse the baby, drink your coffee, drive the kids to school, whatever. Can’t find the time? Make it a morning ritual with your kids and let them chime in. Studies show this practice makes us feel measurably happier within a week, and raises our happiness “set-point” continually for as long as we do it.

2. Every day, find a moment to sit with each of your kids and feel appreciation. How did you get lucky enough to have this child put into your arms? Don’t let your inner critic steal this precious moment. Instead, remind yourself of how much you love this child. Let gratitude wash over you. Pour your love and appreciation into your child. You just changed your physiology, and your child’s, to make both of you happier and healthier.

3. When the upsets of daily life loom large, retrain yourself to find something positive in the situation. This may feel artificial at first, but you’ll quickly notice that your attitude really does depend on your perspective. “Thank goodness she had this meltdown at home instead of in the store.” “I’m getting better and better at dealing with his anger calmly.” “This is a chance for him to get out all the tension from starting the new school.” “At least this came up now, so I can see how upset he is about it and address it.” “She cries with me because she trusts me.” “How I handle my child’s emotions will make a difference for the rest of his life.” “This isn’t a disaster. It’s an opportunity for growth.” “Being a parent is a chance to be a hero.” “True, my child sometimes drives me crazy. But what about those parents who so desperately want a child and can’t have one? Or who mourn a child? I am lucky, lucky, lucky to have this child, upsets and all.”

Can’t find your gratitude? Even during tough times, there is so much to be grateful for. Remind yourself of what you already know: You are so lucky to be alive.