How to negotiate with an antagonist

The final bell has gone. Students are running and yelling and skating and pushing and walking their way off the school grounds. You breathe a weary sigh – another day is over. Well, almost. Where most parents are simply tracking down their child in the maelstrom and heading straight home, one mother doesn’t. You watch her stride across the concrete, making a determined passage to your classroom door. Your palms are suddenly sweaty, your heart heavy and any thought of making the much-needed yoga class disappears as the door bursts open and she storms in…

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Let’s not continue that story. We’ve all been there: in the firing line of someone’s vehement disappointment, frustration or anger. It’s not a pleasant situation. Many times, we are not even the cause of their aggravation – we simply happen to be the ear they choose to chew. Their reality hasn’t lived up to their expectations and they confront us with an emotionally-charged situation we most certainly didn’t ask for.

So what do we do?
Step 1: keep breathing.
Step 2: refrain from biting back, no matter how much you would really, really like to. The repercussions are rarely worth it.
Step 3: consider the strengths of the antagonist. What..?! Behavioural strengths. We all have them – a unique combination of preferences which govern our conduct (whether we think consciously about it or not) on any given day. But when we are feeling unwell, or stressed, or things are going wrong, our strengths can flip to the ‘dark side’.

Stuart

Let’s look at the multitude of behaviours you see in the parents of your students; in your colleagues; even in your loved ones, and consider them from four different perspectives. So as to give it structure and since cranky pants people are still of this world – though some do seem quite alien – we shall use the metaphor of Nature:

Earth
Earth elements are firm. They are confident in the way they walk and talk. Goals, control and achievement are important to them. They like dealing in facts and they are decisive. Does this sound like anyone you know? When Earth elements are under stress, they can become blunt. The feelings of other people can be neglected and they become demanding. Negotiating with Earth: they value results and solutions, so use words like  “I’m certain” and “You will gain”. What confident steps can you take, or say you’ll take, to bring the issue to a satisfactory close – swiftly?

Air
Air elements are clear. Orderly and focussed, they rely on their ability to think things out. They excel in finding logical solutions and making sense of situations. No doubt you know someone whose pantry is neat and tidy, with all the labels lined up? But when Air elements are under stress, they
can become critical. Focussing on small details, they neglect the big picture and can get stuck on a particular point. Negotiating with Air: they value knowledge and quality, so use words like “Evidence; your consideration; pros/cons”. Can you provide them non-emotional logic and structure to their frustration? They will appreciate time to consider their options.

Water
Water elements are calm, though their favourite quote may just be “Beware the fury of a patient man”. Caring and considerate, these folk have a desire for harmony and are careful with people’s feelings. They are pivotal in holding teams and families together. When Water elements are under stress, they can become hesitant. They put people ahead of the task, thus neglecting the agreed objectives. They can become overly sensitive. Negotiating with Water: they value relationships, honesty and integrity, so use words like “I can help you” and “This will benefit your child by…” Can you create an opportunity to talk their concerns over, strengthening the relationship you have?

Fire
Fire elements are bright and spontaneous. Looking at the positive side of life, they love to explore possibilities and inspire others to see bright futures.
But when Fire elements are under stress, they can be easily distracted. (I call it the “Oh-Look-Something-Shiny-Syndrome”). They can neglect the practicality of a situation and be very casual about the eventual outcome. Negotiating with Fire: they value potential, so need to hear that everything will work out in the future. They don’t mind if you use the word “Wow!” Be enthusiastic when explaining what steps you’ll take to rectify the situation.
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Of course there are far more than just four versions of a cranky parent – Nature is far more diverse than that. We each have all four elements within us, so our strengths – and our stress-points – are blended. But everyone leaves clues.
• Look around at your colleagues. Who is easily distracted?
• Consider your students. Who strives for perfection?
• Picture your family. Who calls a spade a spade?

Play with the metaphor. Test it against the behaviours you encounter. And remember to keep breathing!

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Stuart Fleming


Stuart is co-director of FizzLogic, a facilitation and training company committed to putting the fizz back into team dynamics and company culture. An experienced personal coach and trainer, he creates learning moments that explore diversity and promote creativity, collaboration and fun. www.FizzLogic.com